I had a binge. I indulged. It got intense. I enjoyed it. It peaked then I hated it and I hated myself.
It was that same damn awful disgust I blogged about previously. I had made myself late for work, I had told lies to cover, I had shaken my head at what I had been doing on the way to the day job.
Yet still, when I needed it the least, when I had set myself a goal of blogging about recovery from my lingerie crossdressing fetishism, when I had reset with a determination to go through cold turkey at whatever costs, that day, reminders of lingerie screamed at me from virtually every and any angle.
I caught sight of a newspaper supplement on which a featured celeb was wearing black stockings and suspenders then a conversation about me having been asked to pick up some hosiery as a favour for someone whilst out on a break (modern man that i am) then led to office humour about what I might be wearing under my trousers, shirt and tie. Although I had not cross dressed to work for a time and wasnt that day either, (that was probably a good thing) I complied with a male stereotype by making some joke about only doing such things in the evenings. Oh how we laughed! On the inside though – the screams of anguish continued.
I have stopped crossdressing before. Goodness only knows how it started again but that’s not to say it can’t stop again.
When I stop to think about all the time used up in this way coupled with the mass of things I could have been doing instead – time with the wife and family, car, hobbies, household stuff and more besides – surely I need to focus on those, and resist temptation and that sudden excitable, unrelenting, uncontrollable, irresistible urge to dress.
Or do I dress in secret, enjoy but set myself boundaries that I must not cross?
You tell me.
Option 1 for now is to resist and set a target of control and recovery. And that was what the blog was going to be about – a recovering crossdresser fighting a long battle of apparent denial and acceptance or rejection.
So to day 1 of…well, let’s see shall we?
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