Well, there it is – that blank canvas I talked about. A few days ago, I was fully body waxed. It is cooler, cleaner, more comfortable and looks a whole lot better than something akin to a Yeti. (That’s probably a little extreme but you get what I’m saying I’m sure! )
Previously, the fact I had been waxed left me ‘ready’, like a coiled spring, to leap into some undies at the earliest opportunity and, well, cavort and enjoy a little – or maybe a lot!
Let’s just say that in the last few days I’ve discovered, confirmed if you like, something about my sexuality and this acknowledgement seems to have had an effect on my thought process.
Have I thought about crossdressing? Sure. Do I have any burning desires or plans? No. I’m almost repulsed by it to be honest.
I’ve set myself a target of getting through this week and have determined that whilst urges are no such thing, I’ll focus on other things I need to do and people I need to be with or places I need to be.
This is a first. At least in recent memory – where a ready look hasn’t set a rip roaring uncontrollable wave of intensity. I’ve recently been very apprehensive about the aftermath of a waxing session because of where I’ve been before.
Now it is the aftermath, I’m acutely aware that something might sweep over me to change my train of thought. Those moments where I end up reasoning with myself, frequently mitigating why I could crossdress and usually accepting that mitigation before almost heaving a sigh and getting on with it.
But right now, those thoughts are, though in mind, suppressed and are not in command of my inner psyche. There are, at present, no visual stimuli – at least none that I have noticed.
If it makes any sense, at this moment, crossdressing seems to be an unnecessary distraction, an inconvenience almost.
I stopped crossdressing before and for quite some time yet something sparked me off. What was it? Bad day at the office? Family stress or just a need for me to be me?
If I found some inner peace before to stop, whether I start again or not, there has to be some satisfaction at being at this point. I should worry about tomorrow – tomorrow.
The fact that I have some lingerie stashed away is on my mind, if for no other reason, that I must not forget it is there if the time becomes right to purge.
Retrospectively, it has proven never ever to have been the right time to purge yet at the time it felt right – in the heat of the moment, the peak of frustration and perhaps disgust.
For a recovering crossdresser, it’s not so much about falling off the proverbial wagon, it is more about accepting that whilst recovery and perhaps closure may not ultimately be imminent, I’m on a path towards it.
Some crossdressers are comfortable with what they do, day in, day out whilst others rankle and anguish over their habit or fetish in between bouts. I’m one of the latter and whilst that may well be because my busy lifestyle can’t and mustn’t accommodate the former, neither do I want it to.
I’m ok for now. I think. And if I am to make progress (whatever that is), I must acknowledge where I am right now, acknowledge the karma I’m feeling at the moment and recall it when temptation strikes.
Memory and sensation are the problems but I also need to busy myself when necessary meaning that there is no opportunity anyway – if I tell myself enough.
I am somewhat dwelling on a recent encounter which contributed to me very quickly reassessing my sexuality and that too is contributing to my desire NOT to crossdress.
And so to tomorrow. So far, so good.