Much as many of us do, I sat last night, phone in hand, having browsed some social networking and the blog stats and decided that I needed to find some common ground. I set about a largely fruitless task of trying to find a fellow lingerie crossdresser blog – after all, a problem shared is a problem halved and all that kind of thing.
As I’ve said before, my original intentions behind this blog were very much therapeutical – a distraction from the actual act, perhaps a way of talking myself round – who knows?
Instead of finding solace, I found an abundance of crossdressers in lingerie, some of them absolutely stunning and in very sexy bits of undergarments.
My eyes scanned the fit, colour, detail and shape, and particularly my favourite – stockings and more specifically, stocking tops and suspenders.
It wasn’t so much the males in lingerie I was seeing but the lingerie itself in all its glory. Immediately the memories of the way it feels and holds came to mind.
I toyed with the thoughts of the pink lace outfit I bought on line only recently and its lovely thick wide suspender straps. That was it. I needed yet more relief and got it. Yes, I know – spare the detail.
But that’s the thing. I knew what was racing through my mind but that’s as far as it got. There was no planning to crossdress at the next opportunity, that likely being this morning had it have had happened.
It was a sort of bypass of the whole crossdressing experience, that being to dress, enjoy, sustain even, then sexual relief or contentment if it didn’t go that far.
On this occasion, at least on the face of it, this was no more than masculinity and intimacy with it. But it made me realise that however I’d had my fix, I was satisfied and wanted it no more.
Thoughts of crossdressing but not actually crossdressing. And that got me thinking that if I could fight any urges with momentary relief, I was in control.
I’ve made another day without crossdressing – I’ve never said that I’ve never thought about it but therapeutically, thinking is one thing and doing is another.
Would I like it if I was and could? Undoubtedly – but there’s a desire not to for all of the right reasons.
Chocolate, fast food, alcohol, gambling etc – none are addictions for me but in the same vein – crossdressing is – if I could crossdress and ensure nothing was neglected elsewhere, I would satisfy my fetish but when I crossdress, everything else falls by the wayside and that is not right.
And so I must go the opposite way and abstain for the good of my conscience if nothing else.
Until tomorrow then…