Another day done, another day done without crossdressing. Thinking about it – yes. Doing it – no.
This morning I found my thoughts confronted by not so much a calling but a whisper. ‘I could crossdress’ came the voice. I reasoned with the conclusion and recalled the previous blog posts and comments within, then threw myself headlong into all the things I knew damn well that I needed to do.
The journeys both to and from work allow time to reflect, to think and to analyse. Again, the conclusion has been much the same as it was the other day.
Yes, I could indeed indulge myself. Crossdressing in lingerie is, for me, not just being dressed but the art of dressing, but again I told myself that I could not crossdress because I would neglect so many other things – people, responsibilities, myself, and whether I choose to get off to work later or not, what I do know is that if I decide to go to work later to get something done that needs doing, there is that sense of satisfaction that I’ve done it. Satisfaction that I’ve not been distracted by a full on bout of crossdressing at the expense of everything else.
The fact of the matter is this. I cannot do both, at least not in the main anyway. I cannot crossdress and get on with other things because the crossdresser in me seeks recognition and exhibitionism, seeing myself in a mirror or on line.
When I’m doing that, I’m doing nothing else and so other things slip or are neglected or are deprioritised and continue to do and be so as I focus on the next opportunity to crossdress above everything else.
I’ve been secretly and discreetly crossdressing for years and if neglecting tasks wasn’t bad enough, whilst I was, there being more things to do in less time or that some things simply don’t get done, it’s those closest to me and my responsibilities and obligations to them falling similarly that affect my conscience.
Yet there is satisfaction at the apparent progress I’m making in not crossdressing. The things I’m doing instead and the decrease in stress and guilt somehow offers karma and inner peace.
Many have said that there is no harm in crossdressing if no one knows about it or is affected by it. That is how it has been but everything is relative. No one close knows about it and haven’t been affected in that way and whilst they’ve not been directly affected by it, my obsession (all in or all out and no compromise) means that important people are indirectly affected by my inability to assert discipline and control.
Guilt and a conscience have quite an affect on the mindset and if it can’t be managed satisfactorily, the things that cause that guilt and worry have to be brought under control.
That just leaves the inner most thoughts and desires, wishes and urges. I still want to crossdress – because I like it – but I like it too much.
Will it get easier? Maybe.
Will I suffer a relapse? Maybe.
Will I crossdress again? Maybe. To use one cliché, a little of what you fancy does you good does it not?
It is also a cliché to say it, but it’s a race, not a sprint and to use another, sometimes it’s OK to take one step forward and two back. I shouldn’t get hung up on that, beat myself up if I suffer a relapse but if I can continue to make progress without relapse, that too is some kind of progress.
My god, I could so easily crossdress, it would be so easy but it is a worry about how I might feel about myself whilst I dress that is stopping me from doing so as I recognise where I’ve been in recent days and the things I’ve said on this blog.
When I’ve been in the act of dressing before, it has usually been with that uncontrollable ‘nothing else matters’ approach – no conscience of note, no reason not to and every reason to do so.
Something has changed of late. I just don’t know how I feel about that right now.