Katy Perry’s song lyric ‘You’re hot and you’re cold’ goes some way to summing up my approach to cross dressing. I’ve often blogged about that ‘uncontrollable urge’ but it’s been a while since I’ve experienced that almost indescribable pent up feeling that I can’t say I necessarily like and feel so much better when I’ve physically responded to it and have got home to dress in exactly what I’d planned.
I won’t go into too much detail but I’ve not been in a position to cross dress of late. Sure – I’ve thought about it but therapeutically I’d been doing family stuff – other stuff – stuff that mattered etc – and the outcome of doing that was like a reacquainted friendship. It has been and is nice – exchanged terms of affection, normality and joy.
But at the same time there has been guilt. Guilt at what I do and have been doing in secret. I feel like a fraud whilst I’m engaging in those moments of normality. An exchange of ‘I love yous’ which are meant whole-heartedly and sincerely but with me adding the ‘but’ in my mind. In short, I’m mentally fighting with myself. That’s not something I’ve been too bothered about before but I am now. What is that all about?
Gosh, i can be so bloody naughty sometimes – slutty almost. Last week we had a female guest in the house. With the wife forced to work and off early, I surfaced shortly after the door was locked, transformed into a cami-suspender set – the details of which I’ll omit for very good reason – and hid myself away doing some pre-work work as our guest stirred elsewhere in the house.
Here I was – like this – a crossdresser in lingerie – with them so close by. Irrational sexual energy in abundance. I didn’t want to be outed at all yet I was behaving like I did – walking a fine line and I’m so not comfortable with that!
I felt so so naughty yet so so satisfied. I even changed from my new pink lace outfit. However, the risk of being outed and the noises from elsewhere inside in what was an ‘open house’ became too much and in any case, I needed a reason to get off to work – and attend to priorities as I’d blogged before. After all, there is always another time.
So here I am at a crossroads. Things are very nice at home at the moment – cozy, sweet, just nice. And that makes any urge to crossdress a bringer of guilt if I were to do it. Yet do it I probably will at some point – maybe not today, tomorrow or this week but I’ll do it at some point.
Or does not doing it present more motivation and evidence on that path to ‘recovery’? After all, I’ve cross dressed far less of late and the urges to do so have been less. Or is that just coincidence? Do I face the guilt head on? Perhaps there won’t be any to confront.
Either way, I’ve been thinking far more about things I need to and/or should be doing but have still found myself wrestling with all things crossdressing in my mind. I remind myself of what I do but I’m not sure if I’m critical of myself for that or just stating the obvious whilst I think about the act per se.
Tonight I was presented with a very very brief opportunity to crossdress but the time I’d have had would have been ridiculously short and the time dressing and undressing would have been more than the time dressed – so I didn’t. Good for me I suppose – I’m learning to rationalise over these things and keep things in perspective, more so – keep control!
Again I told myself how ridiculous I was being and accepted the impracticality of the moment. But why did I want to squeeze the merest moment? Thank heavens for the distraction!
Do I want to cross dress? Yes. There. I said it. But controversial though this may sound – it is almost like I need some negativity as a reason sometimes, frequently – food if you like – as a direct counter for lack of karma elsewhere at work or at home or if another stressful situation crops up. I can be defiant in such situations, seeking to justify crossdressing in lingerie as the only way to manage the stress out – almost as if I deserved it. Naturally I don’t seek to create such situations and there haven’t been any of late nor do I want there to be one.
Yet it seems a motivator (at times) for my cross dressing – that and all out uncontrollable urges. Or both.
So about tomorrow. With no real conviction I know that I could cross dress tomorrow or later in the week or even both. Yet I also know of the other things I need to do or could or should do instead. It’s a fine balance.
Rather than being a hell bent urge at the moment, it’s more like a carefree shrug and a “yeah – I think I will”. So what do I enjoy the most? I love wearing (which is nice enough) but I equally love dressing, rolling the stockings into place and attaching the suspenders, adjusting bra or cami top straps. Nowadays though I’m finding myself less than happy with body hair which appears doused in feed and weed despite sessions to remove it, and that leads to any outfits tending to be of the ‘cover up’ variety. The out of shape paunch is also a source of frustration. But it’s not a reason not to.
So – about that crossdressing thing…