Something has changed. Something has changed with the way my brain is wired towards crossdressing.

But it seems that I’m at a bit of a halfway house when it comes to the psychology. For many years, whilst frequently concluding that perhaps I shouldn’t really be doing it, the reasons for doing it have far outweighed the reasons for not doing it and so crossdressing has continued.

I frequently remind myself that I stopped once but have no real idea why I started again.  But clearly, starting again has left me as more or less an addict out of control yet remaining fully aware of a need for control and often asserting it of late yet not entirely.

I’ve blogged before about having Jekyll & Hyde behaviouralisms or to put it another way, an angel and a devil sitting on a shoulder in a headlong battle of wills.

My rationale for asserting control has been because when crossdressing in lingerie, everything else falls by the wayside, things – important things – don’t get done quickly or at all and getting my sexual thrills over it comes with effects to my personal life outside the crossdressing world and with it, an increasing amount of guilt. That can’t be right.

In short, these days I’m struggling to cope with guilt which comes from the aftermath of a crossdressing session, the effect on how I then get on with my life, the pressure I put myself under, often delaying my day job, neglecting my family and personal commitments and though I shake my head at my own shame sometimes and vow to sort myself out, it’s as if I somehow get over it after a day or so and the cycle begins again.

I’ve said before that if I could assert some control, why shouldn’t I crossdress if no one is being hurt?

But whether it is concluded that no one knows and is therefore not being knowingly hurt, the fact that both they and I are being hurt indirectly (and for others unknowingly) is somewhat of a mental pressure I’m no longer coping with that much or even at all at times.

Yes, I crossdress, yes, I’m mindful of little but enjoyment whilst I’m doing it but there is just too much on my mind of conscience. It didn’t play on my mind before but now it increasingly does.

I’ve referred to the proverbial cold turkey before but have not tasted it at all yet – even when I stopped cross dressing before.  Back then I stopped because I quite simply had to and the reasons for doing so were even more plain than the nose on my face.

I’ve read a lot and I see a lot about crossdressers who are married and have a very supporting, collaborative and participating wife – that must make for an exciting and undoubtedly resultingly fulfiling relationship.

For reasons I won’t go into here – I know that my wife just isn’t that way inclined full stop. She doesn’t even wear lingerie of the type I indulge in and wears run of the mill day to day stuff apart from the very odd occasion. And even then, she’s usually wearing something I know I’ve had far more use out of.

As I’ve frequently said before on line – perhaps the reason that I started wearing lingerie is because my wife doesn’t.  It is probably a more deeply seated reason though – not that I know what it is.  Just the way I’m wired?

So what I now conclude to be more of an addiction than a fetish has, for quite some time now,  happened in total secret, discreet, in private albeit sometimes on line and without full disclosure as to my true identity.

I’ve also read blogs about crossdressers who are totally at ease with what they do and who they are and know that they can and will be comfortable with it. Some of them appear to lead a solitary life.  Some are single, some are now on their own through bereavement or separation (in the case of the latter, possibly because of crossdressing) and seek comfort by crossdressing during what is a single life.

I’ve read about and have much sympathy about discreet and considerate transgender folk who are battling issues that are for more considerable and numerous than mine to gain acceptance from a still largely intolerant society.

I’ve appeared on line cross dressed in various items of lingerie over the years, much of which has been purged, and with a more than honest and detailed profile and blog, have received many understanding comments from like minded folk, some who think that I look good and want to follow what I do and talk a little.  Some like to see a little more and increase the sexual tension. Some are just like me and take comfort (as do I) from safety in numbers.

Some think that I should carry on and some – it would appear – look forward to seeing me on line again and again in whatever outfit I may select for the occasion.

Others want private messaging, private 1-on-1 cam sessions and Skype video calls and I’ve been known to dabble on the very odd occasion which can be exciting in a whole new way. In short though – I love an audience when cross dressed.  Do I have insecurity issues? I don’t think so!

Some want phone sex and meets (which i don’t do), some tell me what they’d like to do to me given half the chance and I frequently go along with and enjoy such fantasies when the heat builds and tell many that I have never experienced man on man penetrative sex.

I also tell folk that i have experimented with sex toys, on occasion appearing on line with those toys and additionally, have had a form of intimacy with a man on a number of occasions through what I would vaguely describe as necessity, albeit with me receiving the attention only.

I am however not gay – and I do not need to ‘come out’ – that I have recently assured myself of – but instead am comfortable with sexual intimacy in the environment I vaguely describe above in addition to a loving and totally intimate committed relationship during home life.

These are 99% male encounters on line. Yet in a way, the fact that you can’t always see them and that many if not all go, like me, under a pseudonym, allows a fantasy environment to ensue. Although with access to other webcams at the same time, I find it a turn on to know I turn others on to such extents. It is nice to feel desired is it not?

There have been occasional female on line admirers and followers, of all ages, some who absolutely love a crossdressing lingerie wearing male, but these seem few and far between and not usually long term and/or on line much  –  a source of frustration given that I find being cross dressed and watched by a woman to be the most tremendous turn on.

My avatar (or is it Gravatar?) is a shot taken from my Cam4 presence and I’ve recently installed it over the default image. This however is not proving to be a help retrospectively. It makes me want to dress!

So what stops me apart from the guilt? The minute I’ve been fully body waxed and am smooth as a proverbial baby’s bum has, historically, set a pattern for binge crossdressing.  I am hirsute but know that regular waxing makes the hair thinner and weaker and less painful to extract en-masse.

But growth comes back fairly quickly despite the years of waxing sessions although I would accept that it is far better than it was. It puts me off fairly quickly within a few weeks. If I dress,  it’s usually in cover up type lingerie although that’s not a given.

Although I am of slim build, I dislike my paunch and frequently hold it in whilst on cam and am, might I say, somewhat paranoid about it.  I need to and want to tone up!

The growth and the paunch I can handle, the guilt I cannot. I’ve recently concluded that I could carry on if I learnt to recognise the signs that lead to guilt.

But the guilt isn’t just stemming from having just cross dressed.  It stems from knowing I cross dress per se and that it affects my life.

If it wasn’t on my conscience, there would not be a problem but the there is a problem – it IS on my conscience.

So I feel I must stop, fight my demons for as long as it takes, hoping that withdrawal symptoms get weaker and with hope that I can gain satisfaction and distraction through other achievements from other things and commitment to those who matter most.

It’s not ideal, it’s not going to be easy, and I can’t say there won’t be the odd steps back before leaps forward.  It’s not going to happen overnight.  But it seems it’s got to happen.

Comments welcome with thanks.