It has been a very stressful week for reasons I won’t go in to for fear of being outed from my closet, the door for which is slighly ajar at the moment but for me to get out of, close and lock, not to come out as a crossdresser, but instead to try and leave it all behind. See my earlier blogs for ‘The Recovering Crossdresser’.
But as the bodily canvas on which I have historically draped lingerie is prepared ready to receive having had hair removed once more, and as the pressure cooker of stress continues to build and my thoughts spin around the issue this week, the pent up frustrations have, within the last few days and hours, sent me spinning back towards thoughts of crossdressing – something I have previously admitted to resorting to as a way of de-stressing in addition to times when I just wanted to.
I awoke this morning feeling on edge and shaking with nerves of apprehension, excitement and anticipation but there is also acknowledgement of a need to get through the feelings and throw myself into the day’s work and other obligations.
Despite having not crossdressed for a while, the subject, albeit nothing specifically, has remained a constant in my mind whilst on my travels and daily plod and when I am not necessarily focussing on elements of the day job and other commitments, sometimes just for a moment or two, other times for longer than that.
Visual stimuli has been there still, identifying bra straps showing through women’s clothing and the types (or type) of hosiery being worn by those amongst whom I mingle day to day in public, but so too have the signals that a heterosexual male sees of the opposite sex on a daily basis.
There have of course been the emotions emitting from a difficult week as my mind rationalises them in the hope of being able to brush them off and move on. However, the mechanics of dealing with the root causes of the stress and managing them out to conclusion are too much a reminder, often before I even get to work and usually during that period and after too.
So here I am, feeling quite stressed and unsettled and looking for an outlet and a distraction. Equally, I remain acutely aware of all the things that I need to do generally speaking and these have been much detailed in my previous blogs. I have been adhering to these obligations and that has been of some significant satisfaction, knowing that I have managed to stick to the intention not to crossdress as I know how it takes a hold on everything I do and everybody around me, at the expense of those things I should be doing and those closest to me.
I know that I could pull on some lingerie, and I know that whilst I would be dressing, I would very much enjoy the experience even though the angel is screaming at me to get a grip from one shoulder whilst the devil drives me on from the other.
I would then appreciate being crossdressed very much so. I can picture being dressed in my mind, what I might be wearing and how it would look.
I also know how I would feel at some point along the way, either if there is a peak or if I use up too much time crossdressing and push myself into being late for work, disrupting the route and method I use to get there, disrupting the norm, and adding more stress at a time I least need it. I know that if there is a sexual peak out of it, that I will ultimately fall into a very deep, dark pit of disgust, despair and self-disappointment and that’s probably the biggest motivator NOT to crossdress.
Nevertheless, there are STILL two tremendous battles going on in my mind – crossdressing and not crossdressing, and dealing with the stress factors suffered this week. But as I type, it occurs to me how therapeutic talking about what I now concude to be my crossdressing fetish is. There’s only one problem, I’m doing this and I’m not getting myself ready for work which, in itself would be a distraction as well as some other things I know I must do! Still, I did say that the original aim of blogging was as a way of therapy, and that seems to have been working of late.
Typing [talking] about it has, I think, helped, but not entirely. I’m on a wobble as emotions rage and peak over the subject matter causing the stress at the moment. It is, I feel, a very delicate balance, one that could go either way anytime, irrespective of how determined I might be not to fall into something I might regret later.
For those comfortable with their cross dressing, those who know they can be comfortable with their cross dressing because their other half knows and gets involved, for those who aren’t involved in their own psychological batttle, I salute you.
For those facing similar battles to me, I empathise. I can’t begin to fully understand what is going through your mind, but I can relate to it with my own experiences. Everybody’s personal situation is different, yet in so many ways, so similar.
For me, the battle continues addressing the dressing but now also, addressing the stressing…