Well, it has been a while since I last blogged and that has a close connection with the last time I crossdressed.
In short, it’s no longer OK and I don’t want to, I don’t plan when I might, because I’m just not going to. End of.
I’ve not been on-line on the various web presences of what has been my alter-ego and whilst I’ve also taken a brief view of crossdressing porn, I found myself quite frankly disinterested and turned off. The kind of stuff I’d watched before and got a kick out of seemed somehow now quite seedy and distasteful. No offence meant!
I have instead had the odd dabble on good old fashioned man on girl porn which has done the trick my conscience would want it to.
I am also quite satisfactorily distracted by a myriad of other things which motivate me far greater than hiding myself away in a state of undress yet clad in lingerie. The stockings and suspenders which have proved to be the focus and launch pad of a crossdressing fetish have instead proved to be of no interest or motivation whatsoever.
To say that I’ve not thought about crossdressing per se would be somewhat of a lie because I have thought about it, but only in the fact that as every day passes, I’m a day further away from when I last crossdressed, another day when I didn’t crossdress nor thought positively about doing so.
Instead, it is acknowledgement that I’m, at least for now, dealing with what was clearly a fetish rather than a chosen way of life, and by saying that I do not seek to decry those that are battling to be who they want to be and always wanted to be – for those of you who are embattled – I empathise and have much love and support.
My thoughts about crossdressing are that having not been drawn like a moth to the proverbial flame but more so that my conscience is clearing.
I say ‘clearing’ as the process towards having a clear conscience is a long and winding one. The further I go away from having crossdressed, the further things clear, and whilst I might never have a totally clear conscience due to the sheer fact that I have indulged for so long, I can feel better knowing that I remain firmly on the wagon rather than off it.
Mentally, that helps – quite a lot infact. I know that I am not locking myself away, not pushing time, things that shouldn’t be neglected are not being neglected.
There are just two things left to attend to yet are not things I can attend to right now. Firstly, the black lacy top hold up stockings which are still stuffed away where they were last stuffed and behind them, the flesh coloured lacy top hold ups. The much blogged about pink outfit is still where I last put it. The other day, I looked at it hidden away and touched the material. This was no flame and I was no moth drawn either. It was a reassuring dalliance – a pat on the back almost – as to my recovery.
What’s the other thing? My online presences. They’ve not been deleted, they’ve merely been what I might call ‘softened’, well, at least some of them have. I previously blogged having removed the ‘about me’ profile in one instance and having stripped a load of pics off another.
There’s a need to dispose of the lingerie and a need to go the whole hog and cast everything away by deleting the web profiles to disappear. Of course, I know that I could, if the moth was lured to the flame once more, buy more lingerie – purging is, as well I now know – part of the inner psyche of a crossdresser and I have purged many times.
I might well find a convenient moment to ditch the outfit and stockings. But somehow, I feel I need to leave it out of sight a little longer. The longer I do, the easier I think it will be to fish it out in the future and just bloody well get rid. But that’s not now and besides, the subject will make a useful additional blog entry.
As and when there is a purge, this does leave the wife’s largely untouched by her but well worn by me selection of bits and bobs, but as the trigger – the stockings – isn’t being pulled, neither are the wife’s outfits and accessories as a result and the fact I haven’t done that is also a proverbial pat on the back.
As for those on-line profiles – I can’t quite bring myself to go through the control panel of the sites to hit the ‘delete account’ buttons. A bit like the avoidance of purging right now, I don’t know whether logging in will prove to be like the apple that tempted Sleeping Beauty to take a bite from the Evil Queen’s contemptable efforts and put myself under a spell that I don’t want to be under. Goodness, how glitzy was that as a paragraph?
However, the challenge I might put myself under is one of logging in, softening and tidying and logging out again.
I’ll let you know how I get on. For the recovering crossdresser, that appears to be all there is.