It’s amazing where one gets one’s inspiration about blogging. Today, standing at the urinal (of all places) in the staff loo at work, I thought to myself that I’d not blogged for a while and perhaps it was time.
The issue I have right now is that there’s no starting block, no specific subject matter to pick up a flow from which is not how it has been before.
Let’s start with the basics then and with a question. Do I think about crossdressing? Yes – I do. Specifically? That’s a difficult one to put down in writing. I guess that I’ve been busy with other things anyway and/or have made myself busy with other things but the subject matter has, at least, been merely floating around.
The closest I think I’ve got to crossdressing is through the regular persual of visitors to my blog, what particular posts people have been drawn to, how they’ve found the blog and the search results they’d entered to land up here and the blogs of others too.
I will admit that I’ve put myself on my web cam, dressed only in one or another of my daily worn mens g-strings, i.e. when I’ve been asked to wear a different colour, I’ve obliged as that’s the kind of drawer full I’ve got and have only ever been spoken to by other men who ask about my smooth apparently hair-free body. (Luckily, the focus isn’t that great so image defies actuality!), and with things being a little skimpy, there have been admirations about the ‘package’ etc. It was sexy enough, and despite knowing that there were other men watching of various levels of interests, sexuality and kinks, I did get a kick out of being watched.
The numbers weren’t great and there weren’t many folk around for a long time before there actually was anyone at all, but with the occasional odd shrug at how quiet things were, I busied myself on other things whilst I sat there virtually naked on camera with the heating on, and exchanged the odd casual ‘Hi’ and other pleasantries and to be fair, there was nice conversation overall, even though some asked to do it privately away from the main chat window for whatever reason.
There was one clear as day conclusion in my mind as I sat there though. I realised how much busier it used to be in my crossdressing days, changing outfits, parading and showing off – yes – there is an inner exhibitionist in there trying to get out.
But it didn’t make me want to be crossdressed. It was merely an acknowledgement. So, what do we have here? Someone who needs attention? I’ve never considered myself one who needs or craves attention, but I guess I like it when there is and liked it when there was.
Tonight, there was just a little part of me thinking that I might go on line again and just flaunt and exhibit myself and my sexuality. However, wearing my dressing gown, instead, I merely got on with the work I know I needed to do and the web cam remained firmly put away.
And so the penny drops. This was me being the new me, the non-crossdressing me – a clear as day acknowledgement of how crossdressing took over my life for another large chunk of time but it no longer does.
Walking to work this morning, I contented myself with the period of time it had been since I was last crossdressed – early November according to my blog. “How many months or weeks was that?” I asked myself without really coming to a deep and meaningful conclusion. It had been a while and I always said that another day that goes by where I have not crossdressed is another day further away from when I last did.
I acknowledged, as I have done before, the extent that my conscience was clear and/or clearer, content to sit at home, spend time with family or on hobbies, out with friends etc, knowing that I had nothing to beat myself up about because I was no longer doing it covertly.
I will admit that, probably last week or the week before, I suffered a rather nasty bout of cold turkey. I said in a long since past blog that I thought I needed to experience it, yet wasn’t anywhere near suffering it at that time, but recently *BANG* – there it was.
The cold turkey saw me searching on line for ‘crossdressing’ blogs, crossdresser videos and enjoying the images in front of me, a myriad of things to try and process via my retinas and grey matter.
The cold turkey wasn’t nice. It was about as close as I’ve come in recent weeks and months to starting to fathom out how, when and under what circumstances I might (be able to) crossdress again in exactly the same way that I used to plan on an all too frequent occasion. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year perhaps?
There was also an irrational consideration of being able to do so, creating a scenario where it would be OK to just do it ‘this once’ and ‘to hell with the consequences’ or convince myself that there would not be any consequences and it would just have been OK.
I analysed the regular trips to and from work that I make, the return journeys in the past whereby I couldn’t get home quick enough to get out of what I used to call ‘civvies’ and into those stockings and outfits etc and what I might then do on or off camera.
Then, all of a sudden, probably distracted by other things, I woke up one day afresh and feeling no cold turkey whatsoever. I breathed a personal sigh of relief. Great. “Well done you – you made it” I told myself.
My eyes occasionally cast themselves over my Avatar on my blog and I know that is and/or was ‘me’ – wearing lingerie – crossdressed. It is still my Avatar on my webcam site of preference and it is also on others to which I am still signed up even though any evidence of my crossdressing is, in the main, no longer present, erased, switched off etc.
The only thing there might be (in the main) is the link to my blog, the path of which doesn’t give anything away until clicked upon. I noted after my web cam appearance the other day that there was a spike in visits to my blog. I smiled satisfactorily but appreciatively. It’s nice that people take an interest in me and I thank you and them for reading and following.
Sure, these blog posts are now fewer and further in between now – something else I’ve acknowledged today hence being driven to post another because…well, just because.
I still take a great interest in the crossdressing blogs that I follow and thank those people for sharing their experiences too.
Finally, and considering myself as a good reader of folk, I recalled on a previous blog how I felt sure that, some months ago, I’d been sitting further down on a train carriage from a trans* person and although I had arguably ‘clocked’ them, I did not stare but could somehow sense from that momentary glance that they were establishing whether they’d been ‘spotted’ or is the term ‘outed’? A rare occurrence I suppose is that I personally, was neither staring, nor casting any negative vibes – quite the obvious – I actually felt much love and respect for them.
I now find myself 110% sure of now working with someone who is transexual – I feel sure that they were born a man but now live as a woman and it is neither right nor appropriate that I broach the subject with them – largely as I’ve not known them for long enough and it is none of my business. I treat them no differently to any other person. I merely work with them, enjoy working with them and we do good work together which is what it is all about. I am proud to have that person alongside me.
But I am now secretly watching out for them – not that they need it, want it or would expect it – they are probably more than capable of looking after themselves and have been for some time. I am not aware that anyone has been talking in corners, but when in her company, find myself subconsciously looking at others just to ensure the vibe is as it should be – and so far, it is – they deserve to be doing what I’m doing just as much as anyone else. I’ve seen nothing other than folks merely getting on with what we all do and that’s good.
It’s the way it should be – and I’m glad – so long may it continue. I hope society continues to improve in accepting the way people choose to be, and leave them be, allow them to continue being courageous and open people battling to just be themselves in public.
As for me? Well, I am very clearly, right now – still – a recovering crossdresser. That’s not a bad blog for saying I didn’t know what I’d be talking about…
Until next time – thanks again for reading my usually long tomes.