Well, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t anywhere near a point where I thought a blog could be penned but Cynthia’s 100 Questions someone might ask a Crossdresser has made me ask a question of myself that I thought warranted a posting.
Cynthia’s list includes a number of questions relating to wearing items of clothing other than lingerie. I said in a response to that blog that I’m sorely tempted to answer the same questions in a blog of my own and asked if she’d mind, as, above all, it would be an interesting exercise. I read through Cynthia’s blog, concluding my own answers – even those where I couldn’t answer.
The reason I couldn’t answer is because the question I asked of myself was that, all of a sudden, I wasn’t exactly sure whether my crossdressing forms (I should really say formed but let’s stay in denial for a moment) a particular style or type of crossdressing.
You see, I have only ever worn lingerie 99.9% of the time I have crossdressed, and whilst I have occasionally pulled on the odd skirt and blouse or dress on a very very rare occasion (probably no more than twice or three times in adult life and only for a few moments or so), just to see etc, it was soon off as I preferred the lingerie look and covering it up just didn’t do it for me. The question is – am I a type?
I have previously concluded myself to be a fetishist addict when it comes to lingerie. It was sexual – intensely and very naughtily so at times and my goodness did I feel sexy and loved different outfits, colours and styles.
Whilst I liked/like (oh, whatever) a bra, stockings and suspenders with a skimpy g-string, the site of my untoned midriff led me into cami-suspender sets – apart from a spider basque which left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Quite truthfully, it was just whatever I was in the mood for.
Recalling a few of those first 100 questions (I didn’t want to start answering them here but whatever!), I recalled one about a favourite item and I was quite clear on this – stockings and suspenders (that’s probably two but one has to go in hand with the other for me in the main).
I needed to see those feminine stocking clad legs for myself, in a full length mirror, on a web-cam or both. My legs are probably the most feminine thing about me, battle scarred that they are from my somewhat action packed (call it clumsy as I was always falling over) childhood.
So, lingerie only it is then. Do I need to conform to a ‘type’? Or is it just that I am/was (here we go again!) a crossdresser and it matters not to what extent? I must admit, I’ve never really read up on different types of crossdresser. So as I write, I’ve done a search.
A forum post on www.crossdressers.com suggests that there are two types – fetish and non-fetish. With reference to Cynthia’s questions again, I have gone out with lingerie under male attire but no-one would have known as a result of my care and attention applied. I didn’t want to and have no interest in becoming transgender and as I said above, I have had no interest in wearing women’s clothing for anything longer than a very momentary dabble which didn’t float my proverbial boat and I have never had the slightest interest in make-up or inclination to become interested. It’s lingerie for me all the way!
Focus then, if you will on perhaps the clincher – good old Wikipedia which suggests that there are ‘many different kinds of cross-dressing and many different reasons why an individual might engage in cross-dressing behaviour. Some people cross-dress as a matter of comfort or style, out of personal preference for clothing associated with the opposite sex. In this case, a person’s cross-dressing may or may not be apparent to other people. Some people cross-dress to shock others or challenge social norms.’
Not exactly helpful in answering the question I ask myself! Why do I need to know? Do I need to know? After what I have realised just now is four months since I last pulled on some lingerie, perhaps its irrelevant, but perhaps I need to know as part of what I might describe as my ongoing ‘recovery’.
The forum I quoted above included a member’s regular default footnote suggesting that ‘You are NOT crossdressed until you are wearing high heels‘. I have tended to agree when donning the lingerie. That final act of slipping on a pair of heels and just becoming taller a little adds an extra frisson to the whole crossdressing experience and it just so happened that my (unknowing) wife’s black heels fitted perfectly. (I usually smiled within for the odd occasion she put them on for a night out when I knew I’d been wearing them).
Just today, I was walking along behind a lady with long legs and shiny black heels and thought just how sexy that ‘click-clack’ sound is even though the wearer probably wasn’t trying to be in any way, shape or form, sexy or sexual, but it sure as hell captivated my imagination for a moment or so.
So where I am with regards to the subject of crossdressing? Is it on my mind a lot? Yes – daily but not in any way specific. Do I yearn to be doing it again? Yes but no. Yes in an ideal world, no because it’s just not practical nor a craving, an absolute ‘nothing else matters’ must. Do I suffer cold turkey? More often than I used to, yes and it isn’t pleasant when that starts pecking away. Getting out of the day job clothes, frequently pulling on nothing more than a dressing gown of an evening, there is always that reminder, memory if you like, that I have usually used the undressing to get crossdressed for as long as possible, but I became selfish – an addict, nothing else mattered, when it should have done, and the ultimate brake on things was a plunge into self-concluded debauchery.
Right now, I’ve plateaued. There’s no turkey to suffer of any noticeable variety, but there is frequently an irrational unanswerable question in my head of ‘what could I do now or for a while?’. Did I need a some sort of sexual kick on-line through a browse or switching on a web cam but in no way crossdressed because I’m trying to ‘recover’? Sometimes I did, other times I didn’t.
Either way, there have been occasions when I’ve got something out of it, yet often, somehow, not quite enough out of going on-line to any extent. Browsing over crossdressing imagery has led me, as I suppose with anyone, to take a like or dislike to certain things at certain times, my tastes changing dependent on how I felt on any given day, and with some periods when frankly, largely everything has turned me well and truly off and I’ve wondered just what on earth I was doing with my time.
So, what could I do then? I could revert to type – as in answering those questions…