It is certainly time for another blog update but this is one of those rare occasions where there is little driving it. Usually, there’s a particular subject matter that fires me up but on this occasion, there isn’t, so apologies for any perceived lack of direction.
Let’s recap. A year ago, I stopped crossdressing as I’d concluded that I’d dropped to a level of what I described as ‘debauchery’ with my webcam appearances – something I was not happy with – but also that nothing else seemed to matter, material things and people too.
Having put an end to it, from then on, for the best part of twelve months, I strode contentedly through life, always keeping in touch with inner interests, yet refraining from any actual crossdressing activity, chalking up the days one-by-one when I had not pulled on any lingerie, and seeing every day as motivation to maintain that progress and a day further away from when I last did.
But this was not total removal from the world of crossdressing. In the Summer of this year, I was encouraged to set up a Twitter account for my en-femme alter ego. The person that encouraged me seems to have disappeared without trace since – I follow them, they follow me (or at least – they did), but they may well have got lost in the many feeds that I now follow.
Mind you, I don’t remember seeing them on my followers list, so maybe they’ve done a ‘Gerry Lynn’ of twelve months ago and have gone into hiding themselves. Over those twelve months of actual abstinence, I was still viewing crossdressing on line, I was eventually on social networking of course and there were other things I was reading about crossdressing including other people’s blogs as well as maintaining my own too.
Of course, the subject matter was always somewhere floating around my thoughts irrespective of what I was doing. The Summer saw me sexually stimulated by very warm UK sunshine, sunbathing in nothing but my short shorts, when out, going commando and even stepping outside naked in the cool and dead of night outside the holiday home.
I was on a sexual euphoria trip and somehow, found myself gripped by the draw of a Crystal Ice Fleshlight male masturbator, i.e. transparent – this after reading up on their use on line. I was, it seems re-awakening sexually, driven in part at least by occasional full body wax sessions which made me feel even more charged, the feelings less so as the hair growth returned in between times.
I returned to crossdressing in the wake of webcam failure, encouraged by another on-line contact to do so by applying control, allowing myself to dress just for me, unable to get on cam anyway. Only, as some of you may recall, I found a way and returned to view. This has been on an increasingly regular basis – evenings, early mornings, weekends. I have also increasingly frequently underdressed – that is, wear lingerie under male clothing and have gone out to quite a few places – to work on a regular basis, albeit carefully covered..
Amongst all of this, I have continued my on-line shopping. Having spent a good few years having new outfits delivered home, knowing that I would be home alone to intercept any parcels, over recent years, this has been no longer viable over more recent years, but again, the strategist within found other ways – locker facilities, local post offices. First to arrive was a white bridal cami-suspender, then a delightful lacy red bustier basque with stockings to match.
Of course, the familiar outfits of old have had their time – I go with how the mood takes me as far as lingerie of choice – but most recently, a blue version of that lacy bustier although finding blue stockings to match has proved difficult from the same supplier and I have instead reverted to ‘Rainforest’ services to order a set of nylons to match which arrived last week – so, retrospectively, it seems my choice has been distinctly patriotic but that was completely by accident – white, red and blue in that order.
Of course, I’ve needed to buy new accessories – stockings in white and my trusty black lacy hold-ups. Stockings do get caught, ladder and with a particularly smaller white pair, end up getting a little more ragged sooner.
Discussions on-line have openly talked about breast forms. Previously, I’d very much veered away from buying breast forms, seeing it as a step too far towards femininity. Only, along the same lines that I had to have and try a Fleshlight, so too did I finally succumb and with on-line advice, ordered a silicone pair of suitable size. Clearly, it was a case of ‘not what you know, but who you know’ when it comes to taking advice from fellow crossdressers etc.
I have had my first close sexual encounter with a man where I have orally attended to him.
At the time, I was just returning to crossdressing and, that very morning, had been crossdressed before removing the outfit, but the heady feeling of sexual euphoria made for the right place, right time, right person, much to their surprise. I surprised but did not disgust myself. This was another tick on an unwritten, undocumented bucket list.
I have begun embracing Skype, adding contacts, taking time out from my webcam site of choice to have more personal encounters on-line. I have, to all intents and purposes, given myself to an on-line Mistress who told me in no uncertain terms that I must do everything she asks me to.
Opportunities on-line with my Mistress have proved to be very few and far between, largely due to her availability and mine, but perhaps it’s a case of ‘slowly, slowly, catchy monkey’.
I have also subscribed to an e-mail feminisation account although I really cannot see me totally indulging, but the fact I am exploring is, by itself, of much interest, that along with the move to ‘give myself’ to a Mistress.
All of this is very much closeted, as I have been for well in excess of a decade. On the surface, I am exactly as those who have known me for some time continue to know me.
Underneath, I have, as my blogs would indicate, inwardly agonised over my feelings from time to time. I have in fact, drafted an initial e-mail to an online counsellor but am yet to send that message to take up a paid initial on-line consultation as a coping mechanism.
I remain acutely aware of the things I need to do in my life, yet, it seems, absolutely must accept my feminine side and have that private ‘me’ time whilst maintaining cover, meticulously covering my tracks in all ways, from removing breast forms from the car whilst it went to the garage, to continually assessing where I should start hiding my building lingerie collection.
It’s not easy and I am still to open up to you about a very clear reason why I am the way that I am. Evidence has been very clear, very recently.
It explains – to a degree – how I am the way I am. However, waving my patriotic range of red white and blue lingerie, I remain the recovering crossdresser, but not recovering to stop, more so recovering to continue.
Until the next time – thanks for reading.