After my last blog post, the week has been largely something of an abstention. Earlier in the week, I pulled on a white bra and panties over one of my white g-strings (just because!), popped in my breast forms, put on my dressing gown over the top and got on with some work. There was to be no webcam but I did log into Skype. One individual opened up a chat window only conversation that went no further than me telling them what I was wearing and them expressing an interest in seeing but with total futility.
I won’t deny that there aren’t other things on my mind at the moment, and, in life, I suppose that all of us have affairs of the mind that tend to conspire to direct overall thoughts and how one might react day-to-day, experience to experience. The day job has been busy, and ordinarily, I might well resort to underdressing to soften the stresses and strains of the day job a little, that’s if I don’t dress for a while solely before work.
Only this week, generally, I didn’t – either way. The morning after I wore the white three item combo, it came back on again. Latterly in the session, I also changed into a black outfit, bra, g-string, including stockings and suspenders, akin to getting back into my comfort zone yet having previously enjoyed the bra and panties only experience. I did indeed go back on cam but signed myself up to another site (that came up on the top of a search engine) for no other reason other than I was a tad bored with the one I was on.
Although I was welcomed and told that I would go down well on the particular site in question, things petered out to a natural end but feeling quite intoxicated with the way I was dressed and particularly well stimulated by the sexuality surrounding the use of the breast forms, once more flying in the face of everything that had gone before in the past week, I sought relief in private.
Having planned a work day underdressing experience in the very same outfit, instead, the massive come down afterwards only served to make me undress, tidy up and put away the lingerie, pull on the everyday work day attire and, shrugging off what had gone before, merely went about the working day.
It felt like I’d had enough. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I don’t want to crossdress ever again, but I am far, far less motivated or even interested in doing so at the moment. I could really do with accepting that if I DO need and/or would like to crossdress, that I quite simply do it for myself, having my own time, dressing in private, much as I have alluded to before, because web cam sessions aren’t all that. Who really benefits? Me or the viewer?
Yet, there I am, drawn to put myself before a cam like a moth to a flame, like a magnet to metal from time to time. I must have some inner insecurities and/or are looking for the kind of interaction and appreciation I seem to get on a fairly frequent basis.
There have been enough opportunities this week to crossdress, but I really haven’t – certianly nowhere near as often as I ordinarily have been of late. Over recent weeks, I’ve largely been avoiding logging into my Twitter site, or any of the other sites to which I am signed up, and I’ve not been that bothered about checking the e-mail account either. Even this blog page has also been less of a focus and I have taken less glances through the stats and other blog entries.
That’s not the say that I’m not interested in anything and on the spur of the moment, I can be quite likely to merely take a look at one site or another, but I am trying to rationalise what has made me go the other way, i.e. in one week, quite hell bent on anything and everything crosdressing wise at any time, but this week and of ate, very much less inclined and instead, far more likely to invest my time in other things – something that has been quite fulfilling in all honesty.
This is either one thing or the other – it is either than I have plateaued, realising that what I do isn’t all that and I must now find another path, or that this is merely a break from things awaiting sudden reactivation of it all, and perhaps more besides.
I won’t deny that my disinterest in crossdressing is, at least partially, down to that long standing element of guilt, the importance of which becomes more apparent at some points, whilst at others, diminishes – time spent with family, people who deserve and or need some of my attention etc.
We all have times when things are not just run of the mill but are actually overall, quite OK, quite pleasant, quite nice, running along nicely, and I suppose that’s where I am right now.
I have already admitted that crossdressing is, for me, sexual at times as well as at others, calming, relaxing, intimate, personal – a little bit of me time, but it is the former scenario, when it gets overtly sexual that I hit a peak and a massive come down afterwards.
The reaction is and has almost certainly been one of ‘is that all there is?’ and ‘is that what it has come to?’. It’s not nice and although I might enjoy the during, the immediately after is not pleasant right now. Will that change? Will I feel different about it in a few days, weeks or months? Either way, it’s certainly putting me off at the moment.
A while ago, I penned an introductory e-mail to an on-line counsellor which I haven’t yet sent. I am yet to decide whether that would be of any benefit now or at all – that hasn’t changed since it was first written.
I am Fiona – the recovering crossdresser. Recovering from what and by when, I am yet to fully understand.