Put simply, someone I’ve known for a very long time died recently and since then, their proverbial skeletons have fallen out of their cupboard – I should stress that they have nothing to do with crossdressing.  However, those left behind have now not only had to deal with the grief but also the sudden appearance of a trail of deceit.

This got me thinking. What if.  What if I was suddenly no longer of this earth?  Without being intentionally morbid, anyone could be taken for a multitude of reasons – ill health, a road accident for example.   Grief does strange things to people, it changes mindsets, it changes how you feel about things in general and things more specific and even with a few disconcerting aches and pains which have, I feel, turned out to be nothing that a few good nights of sleep couldn’t cure, it does somewhat make me consider things in a different light.

It doesn’t take too much imagination to work out a scenario.  An unknowing grief stricken other is, perhaps finally, after some time, but still with some difficulty, clearing out the belongings of their deceased partner, from the mundane to the more in-depth when suddenly, they discover something they didn’t expect to see.

In my case, all those hidey holes of my life where Fiona’s world sits.  Now there’s such things as taking secrets to the grave, but the material items cannot be taken, at least, not in that respect.  A more callous, careless, selfish line of thought might be that if you’re dead, it’s no consequence to you, however, it does leave a trail of evidence, a trail of deceit behind for everyone to contemplate and deal with.   I’m certainly not comfortable with that scenario in any respect.

So, if I’m not seriously ill, what is there to worry about you might ask?  It’s a fair point, but if you also consider the fact that many of us have long term health conditions managed by drugs – me included – if you consider that anything could, in theory, happen to us at any time, a careless thoughtless moment where you step out into a road without thinking or looking, mind elsewhere for example, it could be that straight forward.

This is ridiculous surely?  Indeed, but as I said, grief does strange things to your mindset – well, mine anyway at this time.

Have I boxed up the lingerie and breast forms and stored them remotely where they’d be unlikely to be found anytime soon if at all?  No – they are exactly where they were.   My on-line profiles are exactly as they were, pics and all, and that’s another matter as some of those snap shots are a little too geographically a giveaway if you know what I mean, i.e. to the right person, they’d instantly identify a room lay out, key features etc and ultimately – me.

Knowing that I need to go in, save photos, edit as applicable and perhaps re-post in sections where I can control what is posted is a job to do to manage that, yet my mindset towards crossdressing deters me.   Equally so, and as I’ve said before, my body is what it is, and I dare say that my unknowing partner would be able to spot me irrespective of how well the surrounding elements were removed, blurred etc.   It’s a dangerous game, but then again, what are the chances of anyone who knows me that intimately going to such a site and putting two and two together?  As many correspondents have said to me before, “be careful”.  That’s non-descript yet somehow comprehensive advice, but I know what they mean.

There you are.  My mindset towards crossdressing is at a comparatively low ebb at this time.  That’s not to say that I’ve not crossdressed, because I have.  And yes, yet again, I’ve been in front of my web cam.  I’ve acceded to requests to wear certain colours and garments, some way outside of my preference (bra and panties only) but I’ve not allowed myself to be cajoled into doing things I don’t want to do.

Yet on each of the very, very few occasions that I’ve crossdressed over recent few weeks, it’s not been driven, it’s not been planned and truth be told, in the aftermath, I’ve not felt particularly contented, just dismissive.    This would perhaps be the right time to ditch it I guess, only I can’t.  As I said to one person on line the other day, intimately, privately, secretly, at those particular moments, when I need it and if I need it – I need it.

Difficult times at present may soon subside and I may start to feel better, yet right now, I am finding it difficult to foresee that.  It almost feels like I’ve gone into a period where I am in more control of my crossdressing that perhaps I have ever been, life events have allowed me to take more control, and I suppose that’s no bad thing.  But it’s not a cessation, and somehow it is not a continuation, but somewhere in between.

Deceit lies on my mind, more evident at times than others admittedly, as I continue through my life with loved ones across the family and beyond, yet I display none of it, I’m mindful of it of course, yet the closeted nature of my crossdressing persona lies, at least for now, and as it has done for many years now, undetected.

I just battle on with it alone, albeit with a blog to talk to and anonymous readers.  But all of that alone is useful and I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have such an avenue to lay this all down.  I suppose in an odd kind of way, that’s why I go before my web cam – to find like minded people to talk to.

However, If that wasn’t a problem by itself to deliberate over and write about, there is another – that little matter of a trail in my wake.

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