As I have remarked upon before, I have usually needed a spark to begin a blog entry, a slant on something in particular, or reflecting on some kind of feeling or emotion or another.
Hell, I can’t even come up with a working blog title so ‘Thoughts’ just had to suffice this time around. Yes it’s been a while since the last entry, so what does that tell you? Wonder not. Nothing has changed, there has been no relapse, no raiding the remote location for the outfits and accessories.
What that does tell you is that everything remains in dark, distant confines and nothing has motivated me to get to it, pick it up, look at it, move or use it – in any case, it is all just too far away in more sense than one. I felt it was time for a blog entry, yet it wasn’t anywhere high on the list of priorities.
Today though it just seemed convenient to put fingertips to keyboard (for that, read ‘pen to paper’).
There has been the odd glimmer of reflection and thought about – ah go on then – ‘crossdressing’ – there, I’ve said it now, but nothing clear, no wish to, urge to, no plan to, no clear thoughts whatsoever about it per se – just that the subject matter occasionally but generally enters my head for a few brief moments from time to time.
It is definitely reflective, recalling where I’ve been, and there are many times, as I’ve remarked upon before, where I go places where I might remember being crossdressed, or coming back from in order to crossdress. The daily grind is littered with memories.
My reflective moments have taken me back onto my webcam site of choice this wee, logging in once more and switching on the archive of galleries for me to flick through before switching them off again. Why? I really have no idea – and you might say that it is because there is a part of me that wishes I was still wearing those outfits. I would tend to disagree – note that I said ‘tend’. I was merely looking back on where I’ve been. “Yes”, I can hear you say “You keep telling yourself that!”.
But here’s the thing – where there were previously many galleries on the profile of that cam site of choice, now there are only a few of the more recent ones – the older ones are nowhere to be seen. The fact that I turn that element of my profile off is known, according to the Ts & Cs, to render some or even all of the archive banished into cyber space for ever. This has rankled before and rankles with me again, although now, not significantly. There’s not a lot I can do about it anyway – call it ‘karma’ if you like.
Then there’s my ex-alter-ego’s Twitter profile. There have been occasions where I’ve logged in and had a quick look, but what I have found is that nothing floated my boat in the way that it used to and certainly not for long. I was quite happy to log back out as quickly as I’d logged in to be honest.
That brings me on to my blog entries themselves. The stats have quite understandably dropped off the face of the earth. There are no more webcam appearances, to the masses or 1-on-1, no postings on Twitter promoting that the same are taking place as live, the blog entries themselves are few and far between, so it is of no surprise that the stats have taken a nose dive.
I don’t really feel inclined to look in detail / at length at other blog entries right now, the whole crossdressing thing having dissipated across the board, but I do have a quick flick through the feed and should anything grab my attention, I will definitely give things my full attention.
How am I at the moment? Fine. Content. I’m definitely happy that nothing twangs my conscience, there is no guilt, but there is acknowledgement that there would be if I was indulging. But I’m not – and I still cannot see myself doing so – soon, or in fact ever – although if the bits and bobs were more to hand, it would be something more of a temptation. It’s best it all stays where it is then!
So why am I marginally reflective? I have absolutely no idea, but I am only occasionally reflective without being specific to anything in particular nor am I regretful or have any sense of longing.
I would freely admit to being body image dysphoric. I frequently enjoy what is now, due to growth patterns, occasional partial body waxes whereas before, everything was done in either one session or the rest of it a week later, leaving me contently smooth. Now, I am something of a bit’before, during and after’ from top to toe.
Of course, I know deep down why I wanted to be that way – there are two previously documented reasons. One – well you can work that out – and two, because I feel better being that way – cooler fresher, more comfortable, more content.
The sunshine and warm weather feeds one’s soul with Vitamin D and offers quite a boost – certainly to me it seems. I am, of late at least, quite happy to be alone at home walking around the house naked, and I look after myself as well as I can. I now moisturise regularly as a way of keeping my skin soft and allowing in growing hairs a chance to break through rather than going the other way. I love a long shower and exfoliation and I love then taking time to give myself lots of care and attention until I am content, clean, fresh, tidy etc. It is rather satisfying!
One of my favourite bits to be waxed is my chest – it just seems so much more sensual to be clear of the latest swarming mass of growth and although my waxing sessions are always out of kilter nowadays and I’m never fully clear of growth, I know that there is progress. It is easier to remove hair each time and there is less of it next time around too. I’m fine with that in the main, but I do feel better in the immediate aftermath of a waxing session than I do a few weeks after the next relentless growth pattern has edged its way through.
I am having an albeit slightly arguably body conscious contented spell, but revel in the time of day when I can be naked, alone at home or in bed at night. Besides, it is far too hot in the UK at the moment.
There you are then. But what, you might ask, has enabled me to be so much in control and a World away from where I was in, say January, February or even early March? I’ve documented how a life changing experience seemed to spin me in another direction but there has to be a mindset change for that path to become well walked. I can’t honestly say how I am able to maintain progress and avoid any kind of relapse other than being more able to do other things, enjoying life, indulging and investing in things and people that matter.
But I still feel the need to put things into words – and I will try and do that in the next blog entry. If it helps just one person other than me, it will have been worthwhile.
Until next time, thanks for reading.