Prepare yourself for yet more ramblings of a mad man, and yes, so soon after the last blog entry too!
When I was in the peak of my lingerie crossdressing, in the aftermath of such activity, I’d probably ‘filled my boots’, ‘had my fill’, ‘topped out’, even if that was after a few days of bingeing.
Reasoning that the use of the toys referred to in the last blog entry had recently failed to help me find what I was looking for and that more work would in fact be required to hit the proverbial and actual spot, it would appear that I have put things back on a shelf on that subject, albeit not forgotten, having ‘filled my boots’ with that sort of indulgence for the time being.
Being a little under the weather at the moment, albeit getting better day by day, is yet another demotivator towards any deviant activity, yet during those empty moments in life, when in bed at night, either waiting to drop off for the first time, or again having woken up at some point, there have been times when the general train of thought has been towards what the situation would be like if I did, somehow, start crossdressing again, but without drawing any sort of conclusion whatsoever during those thoughts.
Sure – I ventured into the storage facility of late and actually looked at the lingerie for the first time since March 2017 – so what? It sowed a few seeds in my mind, but none of them have really started growing (analogies aplenty here it seems!). However, my mindset about the subject matter has been without any acknowledgement of reality – merely somehow crossdressing again and with no regard to their being any consequences, or other priorities etc. Yes – I’ve been in that situation before but largely without much of a care until life changing moments intercepted proceedings much earlier this year.
Flat out in bed, darkness and silence all around, and in fact, even during the brief pauses of the working day, I have given thought to the word and act of ‘crossdressing’, but still without actually thinking about anything specific and largely far, far away from any plans to crossdress.
I suppose the reality is that because the lingerie is so remotely stored away, the very act carried out to store it in March has put paid to any opportunity to fall off the proverbial wagon. Knowing about my obsessive, compulsive tendencies, I remain on the borderline of being scared of relapse at this present time – something I’ve never really experienced before in the same way.
Whilst writing this blog entry, the very thought of being scared of my own actions is by itself, utterly ridiculous. What am I? Scared of somehow motivating myself to get everything from storage and begin wearing it again? As if I would be unable to stop myself? Irrationally – yes. I think that were I to actually do such a thing in my own private time, I’d probably be visibly, physically and significantly shaking, through both fear and, conversely, nervous excitement, both as the dressing was underway and then afterwards, but I think that the fear would far outweigh the latter, questioning, probably somewhat furiously, what on earth I was doing, yet still somehow driving myself on, or perhaps stopping myself somewhere along the way, possibly sooner rather than much later. Who knows?
The reality is that, despite recent thought processes and a mere glimpse of my lingerie collection in a dark, cold storage facility, I’m still very unlikely to take the step to recover the items including the breast forms from storage. I suppose it really is good that I did what I did, when I did it back in March this year and whilst I had the drive and motivation to do so.
Life throws all sorts of challenges at us. Some things send us spinning off and downwards into crisis and chaos, whilst others serve to send us in a more suitable, maybe positive direction, offering karma, peace of mind.
Would I like to crossdress in lingerie once more? Somehow, yes, but frames of mind, an apparent desire to comply with stereotypes, and the much repeated fact that I acknowledge people and other things I should be attending to outside of the mostly irresistably cravings and draw of crossdressing, weigh more heavily. There is a thought process – a list of as yet, unconfirmed questions, washing around in my mind right now that will probably form the basis of the next blog entry – that is when I’ve brought to the surface of my thoughts and rationalised it all some more.
Here we are though, approaching the festive season, and a point in time amounting to nine months having elapsed since I last crossdressed. There has already been a time period during which I had stopped – but resumed again October 2016 to March 2017 – whatever the reasons were for that.
I can’t remember how long the cessation was before October 2016 (it is probably buried somewhere in a blog entry), so that in itself, is a valid point on which to remind myself that I am no by no means free from relapse – and as I said above, right now, that makes me a little scared of my own self.
Until next time, thanks, as ever, for reading.