You’ve probably read it, seen it and heard it used – the word ‘normal’ – but what did it mean, what does it mean and what will it mean? There will be a new kind of normal – that’s for sure.

As of twelve months ago from the time of writing this, the whole coronavirus was something we concluded was manifesting itself somewhere else in the World. Many of us watched from our apparent safe distance, thinking things along the lines of “Oh dear, that looks nasty” but not really geared to think it would get anywhere near us.

There we were, going about our lives, home, work, play, probably taking life for granted in so many respects if not in full but whilst a spectre loomed heavy on the horizon.

For me, acknowledging what was happening as my everyday was seeing others in the household going to work,, me doing the same but having some ‘kink’ time before work, donning lingerie, chastity and plug requested by Mistress and going about my business, before doing the reverse and returning once more to vanilla-land.

The dominoes then began to fall. The circumstances of those in my household changed, for reasons both due to and not due to the pandemic which meant I was no longer home alone first thing in the morning to indulge in one’s kinks as the ‘norm’ had been dictating for a reasonable period of time.

Still, ever the strategist, there was a good deal of planning to maintain some sort of indulgence, taking dangerous risks to prepare in the bathroom, sneaking around whilst the other members of the house slept on, or more likely, taking things with me in the ‘man-bag’ and instead, dressing etc. at work.

Then, one fateful day in March 2020, I received a call telling me NOT to come in to work. I was one of those people for whom an underlying health condition put me at significant risk if I stepped outside the front door and I was left to await the equipment that would enable me to work from home.

Now, if someone had told you even 2-3 months before that things would shut down and be impacted in the way that they had, you’d have laughed in their face and told them not to be so ridiculous. But, other than the day-to-day domestic impact, that ‘shut-down’ included the extremely abrupt termination to a closeted crossdresser’s kink with one fell swoop. For so long the strategist, working my way around a multitude of logistics, this was not something that would accommodate any form of workaround.

The first question was how, having been so lucky to have been taken into ownership as a sub by such a wonderful Mistress, how on earth could I be of any value to her in the slightest? I needn’t have worried. I soon established how I could still be of use and able to serve and show respect even though there could be no dressing etc. activity of any kind. Besides, she isn’t letting me go anytime soon or at all – I’m relieved to say.

How long would this all be for though? Well, we all know that there is no real answer, but there have been some false dawns in the meantime, lockdown/easements/lockdown and repeat. Groundhog Day for real, not just in the movies.

The only ‘kink’ to indulge in has been via my social media account, the only ability to post being from a hidden archive of images and so began the #fionaflashback hashtag which has now topped over 120 posts and counting, images being watermarked after one individual used my images as a banner and profile pic as their own. I was very slightly flattered, but mostly uncomfortable and having used a translation tool, asked them in their own tongue to cease and desist which they duly did and that was that. Still, it was a lesson for me and so began the watermarking – there’s an app for that of course!

But here’s the thing. The longer the whole thing goes on, even though there is a glimmer of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel with the vaccination programme, time moves on. Another day of inability to indulge, then another, then another and so on.

Of course, emotions of all kind rise and fall, ebb and flow and everyone has experienced that during the pandemic and continue to do so – inability to see the nearest and dearest, unwell friends and family, from COVID-19 and other things, and even the death of those family members and friends and I’ve had more than my fair share of issues from depression to loss but not ill health due to being stuck at home and rarely going further than the front door.

All of those contributes to a form of conditioning, being weaned off things through the inability to indulge in them. For me, my kinks have not been the sort of thing I will do absolutely anything to do, quite the opposite.

I soon realised that there was a need to just accept the situation and besides, I could get a fix through social media interests as some form of consolation, but it’s scant consolation really.

Being conditioned, which is how I see it, is making me realise how difficult if might be to resume something I was so heavily involved in. In fact, I’d never been so involved in my kink and indulgences, but all in the far recesses and confines of the closet that I was so far within, even I didn’t know the way out.

Nothing is to hand as it was before anyway – it’s been cleared and hidden away because, well, because it felt like the right thing to do. It is back in remote storage under lock and key, untouched since the last day I was proactively within it. With no chance of being able to go in it, what other option was there?

Not being able to do something I heavily invested in makes me begin to accept or at least think that I am being conditioned into stopping by sheer fate.

Some days I can’t bring myself to log into my social media account. I might go days without doing so or I might be only able to bring myself to log in for a very brief moment.

Other days, I’m secretly (always secretly) flicking through those hidden images and videos of me in my dressed, chastised and plugged or dildoed states, making another ‘fionaflashback’ post, checking in with Mistress, tributing her from time to time, liking a few posts on the platform, scrolling around, sending sneaky DMs and today, getting around to penning a blog entry for which the title has been in and out of my mind all week. But that is all.

If there was to be a resumption, if there IS to be a resumption of any kind, a lot will have to change at home.
A hell of a lot. It seems, right now at least, that too much will have to change. This lockdown (3.0 as it seems to be called) feels more significant on my well being than the last one. There is one factor about my body that has worsened during this lockdown – a hernia – which the doctors will not do anything with unless it causes me pain – and it doesn’t. Other than a bit of occasional indigestion, there is no pain, but I have a protrusion which was there on old photos but made less obvious through pulling one’s belly in until the camera had gone ‘click’ before letting it all go. These days, I have even less of a belly button than I had before and it looks even more unsightly and makes me even more conscious than I was. Not conducive to wearing revealing lingerie then!

Add in the inability to go to the salon for a lot of ‘me time’ and body wax, and I’m even more body conscious and uncomfortable. Options to rectify this myself at home are not an option in order to be better in the long term. As I understand it, shaving encourages growth, whereas waxing kills it off – eventually. I’ve been in that ‘spending too long in the shower’ vein before and never again. Waxing works and I know what I’ve been told at the salon.

Short term pain for long-term gain to coin a phrase. But whilst I know it will be a priority to get booked in once the lockdown is finally lifted, and it will be so worth it when I can go, even if it takes a few appointment to get smooth again, the fact that the lockdown has gone on as long as it has this time coupled with the growth in the meantime, and until then, it’s another element of conditioning as far as I can see it.

Sure, I’ve stopped crossdressing of my own accord on several occasions and for a long period of time too, but that was of my own doing and within my own controls and everything else in life was normal in life.

The wide-reaching impact of the pandemic is the single most significant contributing and controlling factor making me wonder whether this might be the beginning of the end by default.

In the meantime, I might be on-line, then again, I may not. Conditions permitting.