I’m following a new blog on-line from someone who is currently unsuccessful in trying to explore a s/D relationship with their partner but they had nevertheless been able to broach the subject with them.

A key part of a blog entry was the bit where they said: “I don’t know why but I’m wired that way.” and that has very much echoed in my head at a very co-incidental time for me.

Historically, I’d have one hell of a prolonged binge in all things kink and this would usually be without orgasm, for days or weeks at a time. Prior to the impact of the pandemic, with Mistress giving instructions, I’d be dressed in her choice of lingerie, locked in the chastity device and plugged with the size and type of her choosing for up to 12 hours a day.

My submissiveness accepted the need to be without orgasm to maximise and retain high levels of subservience. The other reason not to reach orgasm was because reaching it changed my brain chemistry, significantly and conversely altering my approach to all things kink, causing disinterest, often for days and even weeks, before the internal switch would flick back at some point and for one reason or another and I’d be off on another binge.

Achieving orgasm during kink has, can and often does cause a level of disgust about my kink activities and I’ve understood why that is a little bit more this week. More on that shortly.

First through, a word on how I acknowledge my most intimate of mindsets and how it has changed and is changing. Whether that is for the better, I do not know but I am trying not to over analyse things too much.

My previous blog entries have comprehensively documented my sexual development over a number of years, once unable to imagine anything remotely close to anal, now I am indulgent and receptive.

Long since used to being finger-fucked over the years by a male confidante with whom I am increasingly intimate, he has since taken my anal virginity – although he hasn’t had me again since – and I have been sucking his cock for around four years. It has taken until this year to be receptive to swallowing his load and, to date, that has only happened once. This despite often baulking at taking my own once climax has been reached despite doing so before.

Brain chemistry. It’s a proper mindf**k.

Recently, I was at another partial body wax appointment. On all fours, my bum was waxed and copious amounts of cream were then rubbed in. He is often turned on by my bum which, without wanting to brag, is often commented upon, and he was soon hard inside his jeans, urging me to cop a feel for myself. I angled my bum towards him to offer myself for whatever use was required and was keen to oblige as the thought of his cock in my mouth once more was forefront as I remained on all fours on the treatment table. I relish sucking his cock all the more at every appointment.

Sex play progressed. In either the naked ‘all fours’ or laid down on my side position, I made my bum and hole available, giving him the clearest of green lights that I was fully submissive to him. The noises of him firmly patting my hole with tightly held together fingers to open me up were regular and echoed around the room throughout the session as he finger fucked me. I relished the eroticism of the noises, knowing I was being used as his toy.

I mused upon how far I would verbally open up to him about my kinks, and, taking anal from him, went as far as to say that I spent two days a week in the office, plugged. He explained how, in his opinion, plugs were designed to open the wearer up but I said I enjoyed the feeling of being plugged and explained how I had been frequently wearing a medium sized plug but had briefly tried the pro sized last week and took it with ease. I reasoned that this was not the right moment to open up about my lingerie crossdressing and chastity on this occasion.

A reason not to is that the photos that I would invariably end up showing him would be water marked with my Twitter name, the account then directing to my blog where everything is out in the open.

Even if or when I do open up to him as the only person other than Mistress to know about all my most intimate kinks, I don’t think it will be to any detriment. At least, I hope not.

I digress. Having spent a few moments with a hand around his cock, making him wait to be taken into my warm welcoming mouth, the availability of his lusted after member could not be resisted anymore as his pre-cum began to seep. I began by savouring the taste of it before plunging down his length, deep throating, back and forth, mouth gripping, tongue working the length much to his evidence satisfaction.

He praised his sub again and questioned how it had become so good at cock sucking, telling it that it was getting better and better, even asking whether it had sucked another.

I breathily replied that his cock was the only one that I had sucked, but that I had recently developed a largely unsubstantiated fascination for black cock. He asked whether I was interested in sucking or being fucked by it to which I replied that I was, in the moment, open to both, but focused on the former. He was unable to help me with this other dark fantasy despite his many contacts. I wasn’t too disappointed but, somehow, I was a little.

My subservient cock remained limp as my focus was not on my own satisfaction but of his. But my naked body was his to use as he saw fit and it was not really down to me as to how he used it. My nipples were tweaked, my torso caressed, my head gently pulled towards his body by way of an embrace and my hair lightly pulled, my hole repeatedly creamed, patted and fingered, but he wanted to play with my cock too and pulled away from my mouth to frot us both as I lay on my side, him standing beside the treatment table.

My total focus and target was to swallow his cum and I made no secret of it, openly telling him I wanted his cum across my tongue and down my throat and then how I wanted my own and asked him not to waste my cum as a result. I was in the height of subservience, sexuality and motivation at its peak, happy to be used for as long as possible, keen to suck his cock.

Although I was not totally content, he said that if I came on his cock, I could then taste my own cum and then his. It was clear though that he had somehow sensed a change in sexual chemistry after he had brought me off over his still hardened cock but returned to let me take it in, my cum having hit the base of his cock in stringy lengths that a plunge of deep throat would have reached.

Somehow, his cock was withdrawn from my mouth soon after and he began pumping in front of it. I was in a state of withdrawal although a small part of my mind was fighting to convince what was now the dominant part to open my mouth up and take his load, but my brain chemistry had changed in an instant post orgasm and I was, it seemed, unwilling. He sensed that he could not unload into my mouth again as he had done for the first time only recently. However, when I had taken his load before on a previous occasion, I had not released my own so my brain chemistry was unaltered and I was totally receptive.

On this occasion though, he had made me cum but had realised the consequences. I lay there watching him bring himself off in close proximity. His cum soon powered out across the top of my chest but below my neck line and he soon reached for some paper towel to considerately clean his sub up, passing further towels for me to clean up elsewhere on my cum soaked body.

Speaking out loud, I emphasised the extent of disappointment in myself at not having taken his load due to what had been altered brain chemistry, almost but refraining from saying that I had warned him.

In reply, he said that a particular chemical is released by the body upon orgasm – a sort of satisfactory chemical and that is what alters (or can alter) the mind set.

There is, however, more room for development as he explained the need for tantric sex to allow all inhibitions to be removed, and that it was possible to orgasm without ejaculating with the right teachings or even after it and remain sexually motivated.

I expressed my willingness to learn, to be taught by him, and with the appointment at an end, internally acknowledged that I am still being and will probably always be being developed as a sub, for and by him, for Mistress, and for me. Damn you brain chemistry! It is time to learn to be a sexual chemist.