I’ve been planning to write a further blog update, but with the only motivation being when I’d not got anything better to do. That sounds rather terse and rude but that’s not my intention. The reason for de-prioritising the blog is that such matters don’t have any great significance anymore – not enough to make me talk or even think about it in fact.
Readers to my blog will know that I had a rather sizeable wobble a short time ago but I recovered from that and I am probably more ‘on track’ than I was before that wobble.
There have only been fleeting moments thinking about where I’ve been, where I’ve come from and what I had been doing – for example, the other half’s casually laid white lacy bra caught my attention for quite literally a second the other day, tossed down after being taken off for bed one night. Just for a second, and for no longer, everything flashed through my mind, but as quick as it had taken to make another step across the room, the moment and the thought had passed.
I now no longer see myself as ever likely to relapse and begin crossdressing again. I see no need, no desire, I feel no urge, no craving, I don’t view any on-line imagery relating to the subject matter, and if I’m honest, I barely log in to my blog account, or take that long to view other the content of other bloggers.
Where once, that content had a deep and intriguing interest, with apologies, there is only the odd flick through the most recent feed entries, and the odd scan read. I take a look at the much depleted, low stats of my own blog, and I dally with the stats which show who has been reading what, and sometimes click on those results to remind me what that entry was about. It serves only to remind me once more where I’ve been and the path that has been trodden.
What about those various cam site and networking site profiles of mine? Part of me has contemplated going in and deleting them. They serve no purpose now, they hold little content other than perhaps a profile that arguably needs updating from present to past tense but what’s the point?. Perhaps like the lack of motivation to even write or post a blog entry here, there’s no reason to log in to them, no reason to use the web cam account etc.
My mind has even turned to the now remotely stored items attributed to my crossdressing history – thoughts of getting rid, but as I’ve said before, the fact that they are far enough away to be, well, far enough away, offers little rhyme or reason to visit that location and do the deed – I still feel that, some way, somehow, eye candy, as you might call it, would still leave me open to thoughts of being drawn in some way, like a child in a sweet shop – hence the ‘candy’ analogy – so it’s best to leave it where it is. It matters less, it hardly matters at all, but that doesn’t mean to say that it should all stay there. I’m just not content enough yet to go through the lengthy process of retrieval and disposal, neither of which would be easy to carry out.
What I am pre-occupied with is my ‘before, during and after’ body image. There’s some hair, there are parts where there aren’t, there are parts where there is some growth and the suggestions made at the men’s room I continue to frequent haven’t exactly turned out to be what I would have preferred retrospectively.
I’ll be sure to discuss it next time around, unless I’m convinced otherwise that the course I’m on will provide reward in the medium to long term. Those waxing sessions at the men’s room continue to be some quality time for me though.
The discomfort about body image is contrasted by the contentment to walk the house naked of a morning, go to bed naked at night etc, (while it remains warm enough – ask me if I’m still doing the same when Autumn arrives) but that only makes me more aware of what I dislike about how I look, yet I persist with my birthday suit behaviour. What’s going off there?
If you are sitting there reading this blog entry, gripped by a similar addiction to my crossdressing habit/addition (delete as applicable!) or even actually crossdressing, and if you have read my previous blog entries, you might well be somewhat frustrated at a lack of ‘how to’ in blog entries, even though I’ve alluded to trying to detail everything over a period of time without actually doing so.
It’s like this – I’ll recap. Earlier this year, someone I’ve known for a while, died after a period of illness and as previous blog entries have detailed, after their passing, a number of (non-cross-dressing related) skeletons not so much fell, more so came crashing out of their proverbial cupboard, deceit being a major element. Still somewhere in my own world at that time, but coming to terms with giving it all in by that point, the message was clear to me – I could not condone the deceit that had been going on, if I too was guilty of committing acts of deceit myself – it was no more than that in my mind.
Although I had become hugely dissatisfied with my cross dressing lifestyle, it seemed that I still needed a jolt to make sure that I was on the path I was evidently on the way to but not yet fully on. Remove the external motivation for a minute and there has to be some internal motivation, a mindset, a determination to change, to rationalise everything and turn a corner. After the many hours, weeks, months and years of indulgences, I had reached a point where none of it had any importance any more.
It wasn’t easy, but I found great satisfaction in the other things in life that I do, from the motivation to attack the day job, to hobbies and people around me, things that I knew I needed to do or could do that would be of value in some way, yet had completely disregarded, dismissed and put in the ‘to do tomorrow’ pile to crossdress instead, when in fact, tomorrow never came.
You have to see an addiction as insignificant, something that achieves nothing, is a waste of time, to be able to make a firm break, and retrospectively, it was and now is insignificant really.
Don’t get me wrong – crossdressing was nice, enjoyable, special – there are probably many more superlatives to add to that list, yet similarly, it was also going nowhere, and whilst it wasn’t a waste of time at the time, the view from distance now is that it very much was.
You have to want to change in order to change, that’s true, but whilst there may be troubles ahead on such a path, the odd step back rather than a few forward, over time, if one remains focussed on distraction for as long as necessary and prioritisation of everything else above it, it can be done and you can move on. I am further away from crossdressing than I have ever been yet I know somehow that I am not safe, not yet fully removed.
I will continue to use this blog entry as my own form of therapy and if helps you too, then I’m pleased. It may not help entirely, but even if it helps a little, my experiences and my sharing of those same experiences, was worth my time writing and your time reading, I hope.
Until next time…