In short, it has been around 5 months since any lingerie touched my body. Only in a few arguably irrational moments have there been any thoughts about doing so, yearning to do so or wishing to do so. I’ve looked back on my alter-ego social media account on Twitter largely by way of reminiscence – looking at where I’d been, how I had looked, reminding myself that is what I have a fairly long history of doing – history being the descriptor for the time being at least.
Just this week, I had cause to visit the remote storage facility on other business, and took the opportunity to search out the box of lingerie etc. Why? Quite simply – because.
Again, it was opened for the shortest of moments, the old mail order packaging which was covering most of the contents but a finger was allowed to touch the breast forms which sat on top of everything else. There was no foraging, no closer analysis of what was within and the box was soon shut again and put away in the dark confines in which it continues to reside.
It is therefore confirmed that crossdressing continues to be a thing of the past – again – for now – whatever. I know that I have relapsed several times (‘relapsed’ – OK, let’s go with that if you like) before, yet somehow, my mind set towards it seems to be in a place that I can’t really say I’ve really been before. Right now, whilst I could well imagine myself dressing (and remember doing so very vividly) I can’t see myself actually doing it – it is almost seen as a bit of waste of my time, somehow unworthy, uninteresting, undesired and unlikely to take up my time and minds eye at this time.
That is all well and good you might say, but since being introduced to chastity by my now long distanced former DM contact on Twitter, the block imposed – quite rightly by them I might say – in more than a final way, that has been my alternative vice. There have been weeks when I have remained in chastity for around 12 hours a day, 4 or 5 days a week, images shared on social media of my chaste state – caged or in a holy trainer.
However, I am the key holder – I can put myself in and take myself out whenever but I cannot get a fix on what urges me to lock myself up, nor, when the urge takes me, what motivates me to take to anal play with a variety of toys well documented before. Hell, I do seem to enjoy it when the lustful craving strikes.
What I can reflect back on is how the normality comes crashing in when orgasm is finally reached. I might not get anywhere near that point for days as lock up becomes the norm, but like crossdressing before it, when that peak is reached, the urge to resume normality and dismiss and distance the kink becomes all conquering, apathy towards the subject matter more than apparent.
Just the other day, for the first time in fact, I was semi-reluctant to do anything, yet somehow knew I wanted to. I set out the toys before me on the floor, including the chastity devices, and must have spent a good ten or fifteen minutes standing there, considering if and what I might get involved in.
The period of deliberation was the source of much amd constant frustration and it got to the point where I forced myself to make a decision just to get on with whatever the inner demon wanted to do.
That ridiculous period of deliberation continues to be the basis of serious thought towards packing the whole chastity thing in too, the true meaning of doing so largely escaping me, yet the motivation to cease and desist, does not sit at the same level that crossdressing continues to do – however, it seems to be getting there. I suppose the more rational thoughts come after another indulgence in use of a suction cup dildo, filmed from beneath whilst caged.
It all felt so good at the time. Things came close to a hands free orgasm never achieved before, closest ever in fact, but ultimately, it led me to cum in my cage by jiggling the cage and its contents – something that you’re not supposed to be able to do but that I’ve reported upon being able to do a few times before.
Chastity is supposed to prevent all of that, but my biology, with a particular state of mind when applied, does, it seems, allow me to reach that point. With that having been achieved, items were soon taken off, (irrespective of the time it took to get into them) cleaned up and put away and all of that normality then resumed.
The following days after such sessions leave me nowhere near such similar inclinations, far from it, that is, until the urge randomly and almost suddenly strikes again somehow.
There are two possible sides to my latest of sexual indulgences – one, the argument of ‘whatever floats your boat’ etc. and ‘if it feels good’, but two, there is the ‘what on earth am I doing and why am I really doing it?’ side. Have I just swapped one kink for another? That is most definitely a rhetorical question.
When I was lingerie cross dressing, chastity seemed like a good fit (no pun intended). I have previously argued how chastity prevented me from orgasm which made me more ‘up’ for things when it was more appropriate. I don’t think I need say anymore given the existence of my significant other, but that is the only slightly possible, only slightly and marginally justifiable argument for being in chastity other than just for an alternative kink.
Put bluntly and in a totally ‘NSFW’ type statement, I can avoid any and all instances of urges if I merely seek relief in the first instance. It certainly worked out that way when thoughts and imagination outweighed urges and motivation the other week as I lay in bed. Any plan to do anything whatsoever faded away very quickly afterwards and instead I attended to other things, including preparing for the working day, getting some breakfast etc.
What about other elements of my behaviours? Well, there have been cam appearances in my chaste state as the sexual energy level increased, a site on which the profile has been switched back on – reasons now largely unbeknown to me right now.
I have signed up to a chastity website and have entered into forum discussions about how thing started, whether and how much I might need it, the effects of, etc and to be honest, it has been interesting to discuss with those with a fellow interest.
Body waxing appointments continue, but right now, are for no other reason than I want to be that way. As I have remarked before, previous en-femme requirements now residing in the past, being smooth is cooler, less itchy, less sweaty and above all, my personal preference and method of manscaping or ‘male grooming’ if you like and it is always a good day when I am ‘mostly’ hair free.
My metabolism means that I have been naturally hirsute as regular blog readers will be fully aware, but the years of hair removal by waxing (everything else is understood to encourage growth, not discourage), is having an effect at long last. It is still not as I want it, but perhaps that is the way it will always be until my body finally gets the message.
That leaves me with the existence of the blog. Don’t worry – it isn’t going anywhere – far from it, but I do enjoy logging in, monitoring stats and occasionally using a search engine to find the site and links to it, along with reading the blogs of others I follow that have the same subject matters. There have been some rather nice reviews for my blog on certain sites too for which I am grateful, many of which say that the entries have a ‘no holds barred’ approach, that everything is honest and in the open – and that is the way I always intended it to be.
I reflect on stats, the occasional comments to a post and who is reading what of my many entries over the years. I always used to say that my blog was a way of talking, albeit to no-one in particular, a psychological release, a way of dealing with things, getting them off my chest, but then there is also the angle that, if my blog helps others in some way, and/or shares a journey I continue to make and the various routes along the way, then that is all well and good.
For now though, far from just browsing net presences, or, as it has turned out, immensely indecisively, the collection of toys, cut down in number only by the fact I didn’t ever pick up that plug I talked about (so have received a automatic refund from the vendor), I’m back on that middle ground of contentment and drive not to indulge in anything I somehow think that I am shouldn’t be at any given time.
It is both satisfying yet somehow frustrating in equal measure.
Is doing nothing and blending in with a perceived norm enough? Somehow – no – it isn’t.
Part of me thinks that I need and must have a sexual a kink in my life, a counter balance to the every day, the work day, the groundhog day experiences, the fast pace of life, work/home/eat/bed and repeat ad nauseum. My mind still tells me that indulging in crossdressing so deeply, or more recently, chastity, then enables me to either run with it whilst I get on with whatever else life throws at me, or indulge in it and then put it aside having had sufficient time.
For now though, no thanks, I’m just browsing.
Until next time…thanks as always.