Standby for a blog entry more like those of old – just for a change – after a bit of deep thinking was carried out.
For many years, I’ve been on a quest to understand how my crossdressing kink started, constantly seeking the answers to why, when, how and even where, particularly given that I am closeted and my activities have been and continue to be carried out in secret and in stark contrast to how many people see me and my place in life.
Quite what I expected upon finding the answers to these long asked questions, I don’t know. Additionally, perhaps there is at least a partial acceptance that I may never get the answers to any of them.
I suppose I’ve always been analytical and undoubtedly over think many things in my life. I’ve been told that I do by lots of people.
I find that there is safety in numbers, hypothetically speaking. Being part of kink communities online offers appropriate encouragement and sustainance rather than the opposite.
Today, I might just have brought the constant asking of questions to an end purely by speaking to a lovely new contact on line via DM, a self declared sissy who is half my age.
I asked them how they started and the long and short of it is that they didn’t really know. For them, it was related to a physical and emotional response to material things and moments in life.
This was landmark moment for me. I just concluded that there really isn’t a starting point per se – more so, just slow, steady, gentle, covert , almost unnoticeable development over a very long time.
So, at last, my conclusion is that it isn’t about how you start, it is about the journey you’re on.
Today, that makes me feel great and somehow, calmer, more settled and at one with myself.
Anyway, I must now refocus on my journey, and what a journey it is so far and looks to be in the future.
Hello,
You recently subscribed to my blog, mylifewithacrossdresser.com, and I just read through several of your fascinating accounts with this lifestyle, but found your insights into how, when, and why your journey began particularly interesting. Most likely because I have been trying to understand this phenomenon for some time as I am married to a life-long crossdresser and have endured his extra-curricular sexual activities involving like-minded men for nearly 10 years now.
I am curious as to how you found my blog and your thoughts on my story from the “other” side.
All the best, Liberty.
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Hi Liberty. Thank you very much for the message.
Despite the blog entry you’ve replied to, I remain a deeply analytical person and there will always be a part of me seeking answers as to why I am how I am and what I do.
Being closeted, I know it is how it must remain for me. I can, at times though, be wracked with elements of guilt over things and, having seen that you are reading my blog, courteously looked for a blog I could follow back – particularly as I don’t have too many that I have on my feed and am keen to see things from the other side even though I can understand how my wife would feel if she really knew the journey I have been on, where I have got to and where, despite all of the risks, I continue to be heading despite being so acutely aware of what I would ever stand to lose if it all came out.
I appreciate that things might well be difficult for you yet you are clearly understanding and accepting to a [greater] degree – noting how you use the word ‘endure’. Anything remotely like that for me for such a situation is only a dream.
I look forward to reading through your blog entries when time and opportunity allows.
My own blog entries have taken a distinct turn in tone of late, far more sexual and less personal and it is not lost on me that I need to open up a bit about my most inner feelings over my kinks and the impact of the same like I used to. Nevertheless, my blog continues to document my journey whatever happens so it remains consistent to that extent.
Always happy to chat. Thank you and best wishes.
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Dear Fiona,
I spent several sleepless hours last night thinking about the events of your journey over the past few years. I thought about some of the similarities I noted in your entries between you and my husband and wondered whether his secret life involved some of your daring pursuits. As if what I uncovered wasn’t bad enough.
While we may live on opposite sides of the globe and come from opposite sides of this provocative subject, I believe we belong to a unique community, you and I. You mentioned noting my choice of the word “endure.” To be sure, the use of that word was carefully chosen – as are many of the words I use in my blog to describe my experiences and my feelings about the situation in which I have found myself – being married to a submissive sex addict – among other things.
I do hope you will find time to read my story and provide your thoughts. Perhaps we can learn from one another about living with (or enduring) this lifestyle – albeit from vastly different perspectives.
All the best,
Liberty
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Oh Liberty – I’m touched by your opening line of that reply: “I spent several sleepless hours last night thinking about the events of your journey over the past few years.” and this admission is deeply thought provoking for me. I feel like I need to apologise for your lack of sleep. I rarely have a full night of sleep as a variety of things keep me awake, a very vivid and active imagination being one of them.
It is indeed a unique community that we are in no distance can separate those within it.
Rest assured that I have begun reading through your blog entries from day 1 and would be happy to contribute comments along the way. I have no doubt that there is a lot to learn from both perspectives and much to think about for us both.
Warmest regards.
F. x
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Dear Fiona,
You are too kind – no apologies are necessary. I, too, suffer from chronic insomnia brought on by trying to solve global problems – and mine. As I have continued to read and contemplate your situation, there have been a thousand questions swirling in my head. Perhaps you will indulge a few of them?
I read the comment you left on my blog and thank you for your observations. It is true, unlike you, Bill’s dressing is very much ingrained together with his sexual activities and desires, particularly those involving other men who are either crossdressers themselves or straight men who are looking for the tranny experience and/or being a dom. In the early days of our relationship, he explained his rooted desire to be dominated and even humiliated. Back then, we were comfortable enough with each other to share these intimate desires.
At that time, he said he craved this from a woman, but I now believe it was because the “mistresses” were stand-ins using strap-ons until he could find and arrange for the what he really desired – a dom man. Once he found outlets where he could arrange for these partners, our relationship, as we had lived and enjoyed it started its slow death march into hell. I sometimes blame myself because I gave him permission to seek out this kind of sex partner, albeit with certain conditions and boundaries, which he immediately violated as you duly noted.
I welcome your comments and observations as you read through my blog. As much as I have learned and researched this subject, there is still so much more to learn. However, would you prefer me to keep your comments private or to approve them so they will be posted and viewable by other visitors? Since my true identity is masked – for obvious reasons – I don’t mind that mine are public.
Liberty
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Thank you for your openness and honesty Liberty. I would be more than happy to answer all any any questions on any of my blog entries where it is relative to put them there but equally welcome any private emails to fionacder at yahoo.com for a more personal discussion where required.
Wherever there is discussion on open forums, I’m also happy for comments to be open to all as I feel the subject matter needs to be out there for info and awareness.
My blog has always been open, honest and from the heart so I see no reason why any additional exchanges need to be withheld.
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