They say that time is a healer and I’d subscribe to that train of thought generally speaking.
It has been sometime since I last pulled on some lingerie but I can’t say that it has been easy since.
In previous blogs, I’ve referred to visual stimuli as one of the greatest temptations and that has remained on and off. A recent image still burnt on to my retina is the retro shot seen on line of a 1970s sports car against which seductively stood a blonde girl in a white satin slip, white suspenders and stockings.
Of its time I would grant you but the recovering cross dresser in me did what might be the predictable thing of zooming in on that part of the overall shot and particularly, those stockings and suspenders as if the see through slip wasn’t a turn on enough.
Just today I found myself in my familiar home and hardware store at which, previously, I’d purchased countless pairs of lacy black hold up stockings.
In for something completely different I ensured that although I knew the aisle that they were in, I’d not go down it. On arrival at the chosen till point, where there are usually sweets, drinks, cold remedies and pills, crisps etc, this one checkout had a range of tights I’m sure many women found very convenient, but not, as it happened – any hold ups (Clearly, such attire is not deemed necessary at such a location – presumably as most women wear tights!). I allowed myself a wry smile at the irony before me, shrugged it off and made my way out the store.
I can’t deny that I’ve not thought about crossdressing because I know I have but the difference has been that I haven’t actually done it.
Porn has been a stimuli too and I’ve watched both straight and crossdressing varieties. Just this week, I’ve tidied up my web presences and even created a new one because the site offers what I believe are useful reference points for subscribers. Existing profiles have been amended for a more rounded retrospective style. I will however admit that in one instance I deleted pics and a profile on my main site of choice leaving only a link to this blog but later reinstated some of the imagery and an edited profile as detailed above.
Would I love to be cross dressed again? In an ideal world, yes. In the real world, no. I’ve been at ease with my peace of mind of late. No guilt. No recognition of what I’d been doing in secret because I knew that my conscience was clear.
I’ve enjoyed family and friends time, prioritised things that needed doing, got some odd jobs done around the house, had a few trips out and away etc etc.
Yes – the Web presences remain. Yes – the very small selection of lingerie remains where it has been since I last donned it.
Do I crave being cross dressed under my civvies? No.
Do I have occasional tendencies or urges? Yes I do and there lies the warning signs. I have on occasion sought relief (and therefore avoidance of cross dressing) through masturbation and been able to continue on what I might call the right path, the moment of danger having passed. I am however mindful that on recent occasion in the past, I’ve completely ignored my better judgement and just bloody well cross dressed – enjoying the moment but probably regretting it later. I am acutely aware of all and any warning sign.
I seem to be in a mindset whereby the thought of it is nice, but the actuality of doing it is found to be somewhat repulsive.
Besides (and excuse me for repeating myself) there’s a big grizzly bear worth of hair under these heterosexual clothes. That I hate.
My next hurdle to get over is when it is removed once more. I still crave being hairless but I’ve almost given in to being so. It just grows again too quick – like waves of soldiers marching to war, the first tranche are knocked down only to be replaced by another close behind from over the horizon. It mattered before. Not only because I wanted to be that way but because it presented the right canvas for a draping of soft sensual lingerie. It is less of a draw now. I say ‘less’ but not completely – yet.
Personally, anything else but a femme look in lingerie is a turn off for me anyway – certainly as far as those visual stimuli are concerned. Hair and lingerie? Good lord – no.
Adoration and appreciation on line was nice. I don’t crave it now. But I’ll admit that it was one hell of a turn on at one point.
But that brings me back to why I had to and have stopped cross dressing. It took over my life, it controlled me and everybody and everything else played something well below second fiddle.
I’ll be honest at this point. Although I know beyond all doubt that I’m not in my own with my cross dressing issue, I wish my blog was more well read than it is.
Put bluntly – it isn’t. But what did I expect? Selfishly? A chance to talk about it, and in the absence of a real person, this is the next best thing for the therapy I need.
And that’s seemingly working ok. But if you find my blog equally helpful, I am pleased and still welcome any comments.
A problem shared is a problem halved after all.
Far be it for me to advise or diagnose, I am in no way qualified, but it seems to me that you have at least some degree of dysphoria in that you hate the male body hair. Perhaps not the most aggressive manifestation, but manifestation nonetheless. This for me would suggest that your crossdressing may in fact not be rooted in a sexual fetish but rather as a manifestation of an underlying transgender ‘condition’. If this is the case I doubt you will ever be able to stop. Is there not something to be said for accepting your transgender status and working on dealing with that rather than beating yourself up about crossdressing and its sexualised status in your mind? I am sensing a lot of pain in what you write, possibly because you are denying who you are because of a conflation of sexual expression with gender expression. I hope you can work this out.
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Thanks for your comments Daniella.
I’m told that the reason for the extent of body hair is because of a large amount of male hormones. Not all men are hirsute across their body, they’re just hairy in places. I’m hairy everywhere. The other reason I like being hairless is that it’s cooler, cleaner and fresher – particularly during warm weather.
We live in a world where male grooming is, I feel, more commonplace – no doubt due to celebrities in the public eye and the way their presences are reported in the media. There is nothing wrong with looking after one’s self and I’ve been doing that all the more over recent years as I have got older.
Dysphoria it probably is but as I’ve said – for a multitude of reasons. But – and of this I am sure – I have no wish to become transgender. I am happy in my male skin although feeling more feminine by wearing lingerie has been or is a delightful experience of sensation and enjoyment.
Whilst I love to take some time out (possibly as some form of escapism from the daily grind and the pressures of life) by dressing in lingerie, I have done so to almost obsessive extents, so much so that nothing else mattered enough. I often consider it as having been an addiction.
But in my case, I’ve gradually come to the conclusion that my indulgence and the sexual peak I got from it had taken over my life. Many said that I should carry on if no one was getting hurt.
I was getting hurt and those around me, unknowing as they were, were getting hurt as a result of my addiction.
You are therefore correct to identify hurt in my posts.
The draws which made me cross dress are no longer – or at least not currently – there. But I am acutely aware that I have been in this position before yet still found a trigger that made me start again.
It is a battle I will grant you but so far, and hair free as I now am once more, it is a battle I am winning.
Thoughts of cross dressing are one step further and perhaps arguably better than actually cross dressing.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I remain open and happy to discuss.
GerryLynn
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Good luck with your journey. As a person who has dressed on and off for about 27 years, I’ve often wondered about/battled with just what place dressing has in my life. Thus far it has been a secondary thing for me, but there isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t think about it. I’d like to dress more, but I like the rest of my life more, and that life isn’t friendly to dressing.
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Thanks for the comment.
A journey it certainly is. But where for you it was a secondary thing, crossdressing (for me in lingerie only) was a primary thing. It took over everything in my life at the expense of everything else in my life, people and a multitude of things. So far, it has been some two months since I last crossdressed. Right now – like a bolt out of the blue, I’m experiencing cold turkey. It’s not pleasant!
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I applaud your strength and courage to make what you feel is a necessary change. The way I feel about dressing and the urges I get, I can only imagine how hard it would be to stop entirely when it was an obsession for you.
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