They say that time is a healer and I’d subscribe to that train of thought generally speaking.
It has been sometime since I last pulled on some lingerie but I can’t say that it has been easy since.
In previous blogs, I’ve referred to visual stimuli as one of the greatest temptations and that has remained on and off. A recent image still burnt on to my retina is the retro shot seen on line of a 1970s sports car against which seductively stood a blonde girl in a white satin slip, white suspenders and stockings.
Of its time I would grant you but the recovering cross dresser in me did what might be the predictable thing of zooming in on that part of the overall shot and particularly, those stockings and suspenders as if the see through slip wasn’t a turn on enough.
Just today I found myself in my familiar home and hardware store at which, previously, I’d purchased countless pairs of lacy black hold up stockings.
In for something completely different I ensured that although I knew the aisle that they were in, I’d not go down it. On arrival at the chosen till point, where there are usually sweets, drinks, cold remedies and pills, crisps etc, this one checkout had a range of tights I’m sure many women found very convenient, but not, as it happened – any hold ups (Clearly, such attire is not deemed necessary at such a location – presumably as most women wear tights!). I allowed myself a wry smile at the irony before me, shrugged it off and made my way out the store.
I can’t deny that I’ve not thought about crossdressing because I know I have but the difference has been that I haven’t actually done it.
Porn has been a stimuli too and I’ve watched both straight and crossdressing varieties. Just this week, I’ve tidied up my web presences and even created a new one because the site offers what I believe are useful reference points for subscribers. Existing profiles have been amended for a more rounded retrospective style. I will however admit that in one instance I deleted pics and a profile on my main site of choice leaving only a link to this blog but later reinstated some of the imagery and an edited profile as detailed above.
Would I love to be cross dressed again? In an ideal world, yes. In the real world, no. I’ve been at ease with my peace of mind of late. No guilt. No recognition of what I’d been doing in secret because I knew that my conscience was clear.
I’ve enjoyed family and friends time, prioritised things that needed doing, got some odd jobs done around the house, had a few trips out and away etc etc.
Yes – the Web presences remain. Yes – the very small selection of lingerie remains where it has been since I last donned it.
Do I crave being cross dressed under my civvies? No.
Do I have occasional tendencies or urges? Yes I do and there lies the warning signs. I have on occasion sought relief (and therefore avoidance of cross dressing) through masturbation and been able to continue on what I might call the right path, the moment of danger having passed. I am however mindful that on recent occasion in the past, I’ve completely ignored my better judgement and just bloody well cross dressed – enjoying the moment but probably regretting it later. I am acutely aware of all and any warning sign.
I seem to be in a mindset whereby the thought of it is nice, but the actuality of doing it is found to be somewhat repulsive.
Besides (and excuse me for repeating myself) there’s a big grizzly bear worth of hair under these heterosexual clothes. That I hate.
My next hurdle to get over is when it is removed once more. I still crave being hairless but I’ve almost given in to being so. It just grows again too quick – like waves of soldiers marching to war, the first tranche are knocked down only to be replaced by another close behind from over the horizon. It mattered before. Not only because I wanted to be that way but because it presented the right canvas for a draping of soft sensual lingerie. It is less of a draw now. I say ‘less’ but not completely – yet.
Personally, anything else but a femme look in lingerie is a turn off for me anyway – certainly as far as those visual stimuli are concerned. Hair and lingerie? Good lord – no.
Adoration and appreciation on line was nice. I don’t crave it now. But I’ll admit that it was one hell of a turn on at one point.
But that brings me back to why I had to and have stopped cross dressing. It took over my life, it controlled me and everybody and everything else played something well below second fiddle.
I’ll be honest at this point. Although I know beyond all doubt that I’m not in my own with my cross dressing issue, I wish my blog was more well read than it is.
Put bluntly – it isn’t. But what did I expect? Selfishly? A chance to talk about it, and in the absence of a real person, this is the next best thing for the therapy I need.
And that’s seemingly working ok. But if you find my blog equally helpful, I am pleased and still welcome any comments.
A problem shared is a problem halved after all.